Returning home at 2 a.m. from a party welcoming faculty, Martha, the college president’s daughter, and her husband, George, are squabbling. Martha echoes actor Bette Davis and calls the place a dump but cannot recall from which film the line originated. George suggests Chicago, but Martha rejects that title. George has disappointed her, failing to mix at the party. Despite the hour, Martha has invited another couple home. She demands liquor and recalls her delight when “Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf?” was sung instead of “Who’s afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?” George was not amused.
When she asks for a kiss, he demurs, pleading that their guests might surprise them. As the chimes ring, he warns Martha not to mention a certain child, and she curses him. The guests, Honey and Nick, overhear and feel awkward.
After serving brandy to Honey and bourbon to Nick, Martha and George continue skirmishing. The guests agree that “Virginia Woolf” was funny, and they praise the president’s party, which served new faculty. George wonders how he grew rich. He regrets having married Martha, who pushes him to become her father’s successor. She claims other men would sacrifice an arm to marry a college president’s daughter, but George feels more private parts are forfeited.
Responding to Honey’s need for the bathroom, Martha shows her the house. While the women are gone, George confesses that he mistrusts biology. Slim-hipped Honey does not appear suited to having children, he observes. On returning, Honey unknowingly retaliates, expressing surprise that he fathered a son. Martha, provocatively dressed, remembers flooring George in a boxing match. Embarrassed, he finds a shotgun, aims, and pulls the trigger. An umbrella pops out. Terrified and stimulated, Martha asks for a kiss, but George refuses, ceding the palm of terror to Nick, since genetic engineers will alter humanity.
George doubts his paternity, Martha says, but he refutes this. When he leaves for more liquor, she confesses that, like Lady Chatterley, she once eloped with a gardener. “Revirginized” by annulment, she graduated from Miss Muff’s Academy, returned to her father, and married George, who showed promise. When George returns, she details his failures until he drowns her out with “Virginia Woolf.” Honey, nauseated, rushes off, followed by Nick and Martha.
Nick returns, and, though hostile, he exchanges intimate personal details with George such as the fact that Martha spent time in a rest home; that Honey vomits often; and that Nick married her when she “puffed up” and seemed pregnant (the condition passed). George remembers a classmate who accidentally killed his mother. When his prep-school pals visited a speakeasy, he delighted customers by ordering “bergin,” and the delighted management treated the boys to champagne. The lad felt lionized, but the following summer, while taking driving lessons, the boy swerved to avoid a porcupine and his father died in the crash. The boy was institutionalized—and remained so, George concluded. As for George’s child, he dismisses him as a beanbag. Nick wants an explanation, but Martha returns to announce that she and Honey are drinking coffee.
Alone again, the men talk of marriage. A false pregnancy led to Nick’s, but he and Honey, childhood friends, were expected to wed. The money of...
(The entire section is 1400 words.)