Characters
Astrid's journey of self-discovery is intertwined with understanding her mother's identity and deciding what connections she will maintain with her. The harsh words she envisions speaking to her mother reveal her insight into her mother's desires:
You could judge her [pregnant Yvonne] as you judged everything else, inferior, but you could never see her. Things weren't real to you. They were just raw material for you to reshape to tell a story you liked better. You could never just listen to a boy play a guitar, you'd have to turn it into a poem, make it all about you.
Ultimately, after enduring numerous traumatic and abusive experiences, Astrid learns to separate her mother's words from her own self-identity.
Although Astrid has conflicted feelings about Barry Kolker, her mother's murdered lover, she harbors guilt for not warning him about her mother's emotional needs. Michael, a neighbor at that time, represents the most stable male figure Astrid knows until she meets Paul. However, the murder and her subsequent removal disrupt any chance of a lasting relationship with him. Once again, Astrid feels guilty, calling herself "the snake in the grass" when she and Ray become lovers, and later, her desire to be with Sergio signifies her need to understand her physical power beyond her mother's influence.
None of the foster parents provide a stable role model who genuinely prioritizes Astrid's well-being. Each of them, for various reasons, seeks help around the house, whether for childcare, financial support, or emotional stability.
Starr, her first foster parent, considers herself a born-again Christian, but Astrid quickly sees through her hypocrisy. A recovering alcoholic, Starr relapses when she suspects her boyfriend Ray of being unfaithful with Astrid. By then, Ray, who was Astrid's first lover, has become an obsession for her, and she continues to fixate on him even after leaving that environment until she finds a new focal point in her next placement. Astrid appears to transfer her obsessive love and the void left by her mother's absence onto an adult figure in each foster home.
Marvel and Ed Turlock were Astrid's "first real family," but she feels suffocated by their conversations and the demands to assist Marvel. Drawn to the lifestyle of their neighbor Olivia Johnstone, a single woman living well through prostitution, Astrid becomes fascinated with this new role model, much to Marvel's disdain. Unable to accept Astrid's desire to connect with a black prostitute, Marvel sends her away without a farewell.
Although she finds herself in a beautiful Hollywood home instead of the poorer, working-class suburbs, her new foster mother exploits several foster children to maintain the home's immaculate appearance. Amelia, always impeccably dressed, demands that the girls work to the point of exhaustion and starvation. Initially, Astrid is favored, but when Amelia learns that Astrid has been seeking a new placement, things turn difficult.
Her next caseworker recognizes Astrid's intelligence and has her undergo testing, but Astrid feels uneasy about adoption. She reflects, "I handled the word adoption in my mind like it was radioactive. Saw my mother's face, pulpy and blind in sunken-cheeked fury."
With Claire Richards, Astrid begins to enjoy life again until Claire's husband Ron returns. Astrid realizes that, like her mother, Claire only truly thrives in a man's company. For the first time, Astrid feels that someone is genuinely interested in her as an individual. She says, "My mother had no idea what my favorite food was, where I'd live if I could live anywhere in the world. Claire was the one who discovered me." Despite resenting Ron's presence, she understands how crucial he is for Claire's...
(This entire section contains 1048 words.)
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mental stability. Over time, when Ron is away on long trips, Astrid realizes that he and Claire are looking for an older foster child to take care of Claire and her depression. Unaware of the severity of the situation, Astrid discovers Claire's suicide. Though she is angry with Ron for putting her in such a difficult position, she also feels guilty for not being a good enough child to prevent Claire's death.
In her next foster placement, Astrid actively engages with a seemingly perfect Christian couple known for successfully raising many foster children. However, she rejects the salvation they offer as if she would be rejecting a part of her identity. Astrid reflects: "Without my wounds, who was I? My scars were my face, my past was my life."
She continues, "It wasn't like I didn't know where all this remembering got you, all that hunger for beauty and astonishing cruelty and ever-present loss."
But I knew one more thing. That people who denied who they were or where they had been were in the greatest danger. They were blind sleepwalkers on tightropes, fingers scoring thin air. So I let them go ... knowing I'd given up something I could never get back. Not Ann and Bill Greenway, but some illusion I'd had, that I could be saved, start again.
With newfound clarity about her life, Astrid meets her new foster mother, Rena Grushenka. At Rena's home, Astrid forms a connection with Yvonne, a young pregnant woman. Due to her hard-earned wisdom from past experiences, Astrid has few friends her age, but Yvonne and others find strength in her.
After Claire's death, as Astrid recuperates in a group home, she befriends Paul Trout. She reflects on his reassignment to another home:
I felt sad when he received his placement. He was the first kid I genuinely enjoyed spending time with since my days with Davey, and the only one who could even slightly grasp what I'd been through. Just as we were starting to connect, he was gone. I had to accept that everyone leaves eventually.
After deciding not to return to her mother, even after parole, she can finally move forward with her life. Paul Trout becomes her steady boyfriend, and they relocate to Berlin. She observes:
In Berlin, you had to confront the past and build upon the ruins, even within them. It wasn't like America, where we cleared everything away, believing we could start anew each time. We hadn't yet learned that there was no such thing as a blank slate.
Astrid's ability to acknowledge her need to embrace her past and grow from it helps her develop into a young woman with a promising future.
