what he did wrong and if she returns his feelings, but Marianne tells him she feels “nothing” for him. He turns his back to her, and Marianne wonders if he is laughing or if his feelings are genuinely hurt. As she leaves, she wonders how love and “the basest and most abusive forms of violence” could ever be conflated.

Three Months Later (March 2014)

Connell sits in the waiting room at Trinity’s mental health service, filling out a questionnaire. Niall suggested the service to Connell, who has become increasingly depressed. When answering a question about suicidal thoughts, Connell thinks that “he would like to kill himself”: he fantasizes about simply lying on the floor of his bedroom until he dies of dehydration. Spending most of his time alone in his scholarship accommodation and eating formal dinners in the Dining Hall, surrounded by people he feels unable to speak to, has increased Connell’s feelings of isolation.

The therapist, Gillian, comes into the waiting room and leads Connell to her office. Connell tells her he has been feeling depressed since January, when he discovered that his old school friend Rob Hegarty had committed suicide. On New Year’s Eve, as Connell was out celebrating with Helen, he received a text from Rachel Moran to their old friend group asking if anybody had seen Rob. Rob’s body was discovered in the River Corrib the next day. Connell feels guilty, realizing that Rob last sent him a message in early 2012, which he had never responded to. After Rob’s death and his classmates’ subsequent posts about suicide awareness on social media, Connell’s previously manageable anxiety has severely worsened.

Connell speaks to Gillian about Rob’s death, expressing his guilt over losing contact with Rob. Gillian tells Connell that his answers to the questionnaire are deeply concerning, as they reveal that he is suffering from a severe depressive episode. When Gillian asks about Connell’s family and relationships, it is revealed that he and Helen have broken up. Helen traveled with Connell to Carricklea for the funeral, but he found himself becoming irritated with her when she complimented him on his looks before the funeral. Marianne had returned from Sweden for the funeral as well, and in the church, she and Connell embraced tenderly in front of Helen. As Connell and Helen paid their respects to Rob’s family, Connell wished his mother were standing beside him instead.

At Rob’s wake, Connell’s old friend Eric approached Connell and Helen as they drank tea, but Connell had to be prompted by Eric to introduce Helen. Eric commented that it was kind of Marianne to come from Sweden for the funeral and referenced her frail appearance. When Marianne herself appeared, Connell was amazed by the “easy” way she chatted to his friends, which was something she would never have been capable of in school. Connell remembered a time he had scored a goal for their football team and Rob had kissed him on the head in congratulations. So much of the persona they put on at school was artificial, and it was only in moments like this that they could let the façade slide. Rob, much like Connell, had needed the approval of others. But Connell’s relationship with Marianne had shown him another way to live, one that didn’t revolve around attempting to hide his perceived abnormalities, and “Life had been different after that.”

Later that night, Connell and Helen argued when she asked why he hadn’t introduced her to any of his friends at the funeral. The tension between them built and culminated in Helen jealously accusing Connell of admiring Marianne. Two weeks later, Helen broke up with Connell, but by this time he was so depressed that he was unable to even reply. Lately, despite the panic attacks and uncontrollable crying that have been assailing him, Connell finds that he feels nothing at all.

Gillian asks if Connell has made any close friends at Trinity. He says that Niall is a good friend, as is Marianne. Connell speaks to Marianne most nights on Skype, though they avoid discussing their near-intimacy in Italy. The gossip that began circling around Marianne after she broke up with Jamie has continued, and Connell has heard rumors that there are pictures of her on the internet. Connell confides in Gillian that he has found it difficult to be separated from Marianne, as she is one of the only people with whom he feels a connection. Connell’s friendship with Rob was superficial, given that they didn’t share interests or values, but that hadn’t mattered during their high school years. Connell feels disillusioned by his experience at Trinity. He had expected to find likeminded people at university but finds most of his classmates elitist and shallow. As he mourns the life and friendships that had defined his formative years and are now gone forever, Connell is surprised to discover that he is crying. Gillian assures him that they can work together to help him manage his mental health. Although he has no intention of reading or filling out the printouts the therapist gives him, Connell agrees to return in two weeks.

A couple of weeks before meeting with the therapist, Connell attended a reading by a writer visiting Trinity, whose collection of short stories he had read and liked. Connell regretted attending the event at first, finding the evening predictable and pointless. As he was leaving, however, he ran into a girl named Sadie, who had called him a “genius” after his presentation in first year. He was open with Sadie that he didn’t “really get the point” of readings but embarrassed when he discovered that Sadie knew the writer. Sadie told the writer what Connell had said, and the writer surprised Connell by agreeing with him. Connell then joined the writer, Sadie, and her friends at a pub, where they debated about literature until closing time. Connell confessed to the writer that he was having a hard time fitting in at Trinity, andt the writer suggested that rather than being a “bad thing,” the experience could inspire Connell’s writing. At one point, Sadie curtailed a discussion of recent protests by saying “Not politics, please!” This confirmed for Connell that readings were essentially “culture as class performance,” marketing ploys that left literature with “no potential for resistance to anything.” But when he got home that night, Connell looked over the notes he had made for a new short story, feeling a rare sense of joy and excitement.