Non Sum Qualis Eram Bonae Sub Regno Cynarae

by Ernest Dowson

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"I Cried For Madder Music And For Stronger Wine"

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I cried for madder music and for stronger wine,
But when the feast is finished and the lamps expire,
Then falls thy shadow, Cynara! the night is thine;
And I am desolate and sick of an old passion,
Yea, hungry for the lips of my desire:
I have been faithful to thee, Cynara! in my fashion.

In these poignant lines, the speaker reveals the depth of his struggle with lingering emotions for Cynara, a former lover. Despite immersing himself in the distractions of "madder music" and "stronger wine," attempting to drown his memories in a haze of sensory overload, the stark reality remains unchanged. The "shadow" of Cynara looms large, reclaiming the night and his thoughts once the revelry ends and silence falls. His declaration of being "desolate and sick of an old passion" underscores the torment of unshakable longing, a yearning for Cynara that no amount of indulgence can dispel. The speaker's assertion of fidelity "in my fashion" hints at a personal, perhaps unconventional, sense of loyalty, one that persists despite his attempts at moving on. This evocative expression captures the essence of an obsession that refuses to be extinguished.

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