Me Talk Pretty One Day

by David Sedaris

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“Big Boy” Summary

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On an Easter Sunday in Chicago, Sedaris and his sister Amy attend an afternoon dinner party held by their mutual friend John. A table is set up in the yard so that the guests can enjoy the nice weather. Once everyone has taken their places, Sedaris excuses himself and goes to the bathroom, where he finds “the absolute biggest turd” he has ever seen sitting in the toilet.

Sedaris tries to flush the toilet, but the turd stays put. Sedaris considers leaving the turd where it is, but realizes quickly that this is not an option, since every guest at the party had heard him say that he was going inside to use the bathroom; if he leaves it, the next person to use the restroom will assume it’s his. Sedaris agonizes over the injustice of the situation he finds himself in, noting that all he wanted to do was use the bathroom and run some water over his face.

Growing desperate, Sedaris promises that if this gigantic turd will simply flush, he will repay the universe by performing an “unexpected act of kindness.” He attempts another flush, but it is unsuccessful. His panic only increases when someone knocks at the door, wanting to come in. “Just a minute,” he says.

Sedaris remembers how his mother impressed on him from an early age that everybody poops—that it’s natural and that there’s nothing wrong with it. Though Sedaris knows she’s correct, that doesn’t mean he’s prepared to take responsibility for this particular turd.

He considers wild solutions to this problem, including picking up the turd with his hands and flinging it out the window. He abandons this notion, however, because the bathroom window is on the first floor, in plain view of the guests outside. If the guests catch him tossing a turd out the window, it will be hard to convince them that it’s not his turd, especially since the true culprit is unlikely to come forward.

Another knock sounds at the door, and Sedaris says, “I’ll be out in a second!”

Finally, he grabs the plunger and uses the handle to break the turd apart in the bowl, all the while bemoaning the fact that he is in this terrible situation. Another flush still fails to drain the toilet of all the solid mass.

Sedaris irrationally considers washing his hair, feeling that he needs some sort of excuse to justify having taken this long in the bathroom. Finally, however, he manages to use the plunger to sufficiently break the turd up, and the feces drain from the toilet.

Sedaris then opens the bathroom door to find his friend Janet waiting. As he lets her inside, she says, “Well, it’s about time.” Sedaris thinks about the person who abandoned the turd. He wonders why he found it such a big deal to be blamed for the feces, since the person who had left it there clearly didn’t. After briefly wondering whether there was some larger lesson in this experience, Sedaris decides to forget all about it and immediately steps outside to begin looking for suspects.

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