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Marriage Is a Private Affair

by Chinua Achebe

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Father's Evolving Attitude in "Marriage Is a Private Affair"

Summary:

In Chinua Achebe's "Marriage Is a Private Affair," Okeke's attitude evolves from defiant anger to deep regret. Initially, Okeke is furious with his son, Nnaemeka, for marrying Nene, who is not Ibo and works outside the home. He shuns his son and daughter-in-law, even cutting Nene out of a wedding photo. However, a letter from Nene about his grandsons prompts Okeke to reflect on his actions and fear missing the opportunity to know them, leading to remorse and a change of heart.

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What changes the father's mind in "Marriage is a Private Affair"?

Part of Achebe's descriptive strength in the short story is that he does not inundate the reader with the reasons as to why Okeke changes his mind. He enables the moment within which the change happens and allows the complexity of this instant of change, what Kushner would call "the threshold of revelation," wash over the resolution of the story and the reader. It is here where I think exploration is needed. In terms of the story itself,Okeke receives a letter from Nene , his rejected and ostracized daughter-in-law, informing him that he has two grandsons who wish to see their grandfather and that she is sending them along with their father to see him while she is not. In this, a moment is created in which Okeke realizes that he has moved past being a father and into the realm of grandfather. He begins to recognize, for a brief instant, that the disagreement with his son over choice of wife is moot with the present of two grandsons. Yet, even then, the father wishes to hold on to his resistance, his defiance over his son's disobedience. However, in a moment, he looks out the window and his resolve to his anger diminishes:

The sky was overcast with heavy black clouds and a high wind began to blow, filling the air with dust and dry leaves. It was one of those rare occasions when even Nature takes a hand in a human fight. Very soon it began to rain, the first rain in the year. It came down in large sharp drops and was accompanied by the lightning and thunder which mark a change of season.

In this connection between the natural world and Okeke's condition, the change of seasons almost indicates a maturation. It is here in which Okeke realizes that this change also means that there could be a dark side in that he might never get to see his grandchildren. With only one son, this is a decision that haunts him, terrifying him and filling him with regret as to both rejecting them for so long and not getting the chance to do right by them. With the ending of the story as one in which Okeke "hardly slept- from remorse", it becomes clear that the combination of this instant, a revelation that goes along with it, and the reflection of its implications caused by nature all collude to create a condition in which Okeke recognizes his own folly and seems to be running from his own actions to ensure that such mistakes are not long term ones.

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In "Marriage Is a Private Affair," how does the father's attitude towards his son's marriage change from beginning to end?

Okeke's initial reaction to his son's wishes is defiant anger, while his attitude at the end of the story is one of regret.

As the story opens, Nnaemeka is confiding in Nene that he dreads telling his father about their love.  He turns out to be right.  The father's first reaction to his son's wishes is not very good.  Okeke is dismissive when his son says that he does not love the girl that his father has picked.  Then, Okeke becomes angry when he finds out that Nene works outside of the house, something that offends his traditionalist construction.  Finally, he becomes irate when he finds out that Nene is not Ibo.   It is at this point that Okeke shuns his son. He refuses to have any contact with his son and his new wife.  Even six months after the wedding, Okeke's letter to his son depicts an angry and resentful reaction:

It amazes me that you could be so unfeeling as to send me your wedding picture. I would have sent it back. But on further thought I decided just to cut off your wife and send it back to you because I have nothing to do with her. How I wish that I had nothing to do with you either. 

At the end of the story, another letter shows Okeke's reaction.  This time, it is from Nene.  After reading it, Okeke displays a different type of reaction.  He realizes that he has held on to his anger for so long that he might have closed out the opportunity to know his grandsons.  The ending of the story shows him filled with regret over his initial defiance.

Intense feeling is displayed in both reactions.  They exist on different ends of the emotional spectrum.  However, Achebe uses both to show what it means to be human being and what it means to embrace one in putting aside the other.

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