Hal McLeavy

Hal McLeavy is a young man embroiled in a life of crime, marked by his participation in a recent bank heist alongside Dennis. Burdened by Catholic guilt, Hal is torn between his strict upbringing and his rebellious actions, which include deflowering virgins and stealing from slot machines. Despite his transgressions, he dreams of using his ill-gotten gains to establish a lavish brothel. His honesty, a relic of his upbringing, makes him unable to sustain lies, leading to his easy confession to both Fay and Inspector Truscott. As one of the "real" criminals, Hal stands apart from the hypocritical nature of other characters.

Dennis

Dennis, the young undertaker’s assistant and Hal’s associate, shares in the thievery that defines their escapades. While he is possibly Hal's lover, Dennis is also portrayed as a ladies' man, having impregnated five women. He is drawn to the older and more experienced Fay, seeing in her a chance for a different kind of relationship. During the play, Dennis demonstrates a cunning resourcefulness; he manages the logistics of their crime by swapping the stolen money with Mrs. McLeavy’s body between the coffin and a wardrobe. His quick thinking saves the coffin from a fiery mishap en route to the funeral and ensures the destruction of any evidence of Fay’s poisoning through the disposal of the deceased’s stomach.

Fay McMahon

Fay McMahon is a calculating nurse who attends to Mrs. McLeavy, having already manipulated her patient into revising her will in Fay's favor. With a history of seven husbands all meeting untimely deaths, Fay embodies the dangerous allure of a femme fatale. Her mercenary nature is evident as she demands a share of Hal and Dennis's stolen fortune, even plotting to marry Dennis for his newfound wealth. Fay’s character displays a chilling willingness to achieve her ends through any means, including poisoning. Her affair with crime culminates in a confession coerced by Truscott, who has long tracked her nefarious deeds.

Truscott

Inspector Truscott emerges as a flamboyant and astute detective whose investigative methods border on the unscrupulous. He infiltrates the McLeavy household under the guise of a water board official to probe both the robbery and the death of Mrs. McLeavy. With a brusque approach, he physically coerces Dennis and punishes Hal for his admissions. Truscott’s sustained pursuit of justice concludes with a confession from Fay, yet his integrity is marred as he accepts a bribe, choosing to arrest McLeavy, the sole innocent party in the tumultuous events.

McLeavy

Mr. McLeavy, a devout Catholic and the grieving widower to the late Mrs. McLeavy, initially struggles to accept his son Hal's involvement in criminal activities. As a self-professed good man, he cherishes his wife’s memory yet seems more devoted to his roses. This hypocrisy runs deep as he vacillates between disbelief, disownment, and finally, readiness to testify against Hal. Despite his efforts to assist Truscott’s investigation, McLeavy finds himself unjustly arrested for making derogatory remarks about the police, an ironic end for someone who places such high regard on authority.

Mrs. McLeavy

Mrs. McLeavy, though deceased, plays a significant role within the narrative as her murder sets the stage for the unfolding drama. Her body, often mishandled and switched with the stolen money, becomes central to the macabre comedy. In productions, she is sometimes portrayed by a live actor rather than a dummy to emphasize the indignities her corpse endures.

Meadows

Meadows, a minor character assisting Inspector Truscott, serves primarily to underscore the ineptitude and corruption pervading the police force. His presence highlights the broader thematic criticism of law enforcement within the play, as Truscott carries out the bulk of the investigative work.