Discussion Topic

Improving a Narrative Inspired by The Lady of Shalott

Summary:

To improve an epistolary narrative inspired by Tennyson's The Lady of Shalott, focus on enhancing specificity and emotional appeal. Add direct appeals to the father, clarify sentence structures, and ensure tense consistency. Contrast the Lady's imprisonment with the vibrant outside world, and consider including posthumous reflections. Address word choice issues and maintain coherence with Tennyson's themes. Ensure the narrative's language reflects the poem's tone, and clarify the Lady's longing for freedom and connection with the broader world.

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How can I improve this epistolary narrative based on The Lady of Shalott by Alfred, Lord Tennyson?

Part 1 of letter:

14 May 1453

Dear father,

After regaining my memory, I have decided to write a letter to you. Like a bird, I have been imprisoned in this tower, suffocated and tormented from my endless thoughts that run by day and night. A seemingly slow torture, I have endured it all those years, waiting. I am praying that you show mercy towards your own daughter as I have not committed any sins other than being a daughter of a sinner. In hope for you to realize that I was not the sinner myself, I waited patiently.

As the bright, blinding sun leisurely rises above the horizon, casting welcome shadows upon the earth, a light fog hovers gently just above the foliage as the sunlight penetrates its almost transparent existence. We all began the day with our normal routines and as I was young I had gleefully played along with other children my age, enjoying freedom as the day went by. Only little chores and simple tasks were required and so I was always willingly to do them. I could not have imagined our family nor or lives to be happier than what it was.

The letter could be improved by adding a couple of sentences that appeal directly to the father and add more specific language.

You have done a good job of using language similar to the poem.  However, if Lady Shallot really wants her father to listen to her, you might want to be more persuasive.  Throw him a bone, so to speak.  Instead of starting out angry, you can perhaps show how she can understand why she is where she is.  It is not all bad, because she can still use her mirror.

But in her web she still delights

To weave the mirror's magic sights

Also, you will want to consider how you create your sentences.  The sentences sometimes lack some flow.  An example is this sentence.

In hope for you to realize that I was not the sinner myself, I waited patiently.

It could be reversed.

I waited patiently for you to realize that I was not the sinner myself.

This adds variety to your sentences, and also makes the sentence more direct and clear.  This will also add to the emotional impact of the poem by changing the tone in certain places.

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How can I improve this epistolary narrative based on The Lady of Shalott by Alfred, Lord Tennyson?

Part 1 of letter:

14 May 1453

Dear father,

After regaining my memory, I have decided to write a letter to you. Like a bird, I have been imprisoned in this tower, suffocated and tormented from my endless thoughts that run by day and night. A seemingly slow torture, I have endured it all those years, waiting. I am praying that you show mercy towards your own daughter as I have not committed any sins other than being a daughter of a sinner. In hope for you to realize that I was not the sinner myself, I waited patiently.

As the bright, blinding sun leisurely rises above the horizon, casting welcome shadows upon the earth, a light fog hovers gently just above the foliage as the sunlight penetrates its almost transparent existence. We all began the day with our normal routines and as I was young I had gleefully played along with other children my age, enjoying freedom as the day went by. Only little chores and simple tasks were required and so I was always willingly to do them. I could not have imagined our family nor or lives to be happier than what it was.

If this epistolary narrative is confined to Part 1, note the differences between the outside world and the Lady's prison inside. The outside world is described in vibrant terms: "fields of barley and rye" that clothe the fields; the people have the freedom to come and go as they please; the wind and river flow freely and lead to Camelot, an idyllic place. The Lady's prison is gray and still; a contrast to the flowing images of life outside. 

In the above narrative, the Lady recalls the freedom of her childhood. In the last part of Part 1 in the poem, the speaker notes that passersby only hear the Lady's song; they don't see her.

Only reapers, reaping early

In among the bearded-barley,

Hear a song that echoes cheerly

From a river winding clearly,

So, in the narrative, following the Lady's memories of childhood, she could mention how, now, only her song has the freedom to escape her prison and be part of the natural and social world outside. 

In Parts 2-4, it is revealed that the Lady can only look at Camelot indirectly, through a mirror. She weaves these images but eventually becomes tired of perceiving the world in this indirect, removed way. When Lancelot approaches, she can't resist taking a look and the curse is brought upon her. She decides to sail to Camelot and dies on the way. If the epistolary narrative continues with reference to Parts 2-4, the Lady should emphasize her frustration of being removed from the world. The Lady could also include a posthumous narrative (Part 4) describing her body floating to Camelot while she, a spirit, watches, once again removed from mortal life. 

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How can I improve this epistolary narrative based on The Lady of Shalott by Alfred, Lord Tennyson?

Part 2 of letter:

After years, the lies, the illusions and the tricks of my mother were all uncovered and exposed. Mother’s illusions and fraudulent wiles led men to their demise, you nearly being among one of them. She was a woman who loved not chastity...

The first problem with this is that you need to look up the meaning of "illusions." Do you really mean that the mother had false beliefs and "tricks" or used magic as well as "tricks"? If one of these is truly what you mean, then you need to make it more clear, though you risk changing your cadence (prose rhythm), or select a word that reflects what you actually mean, which I suspect might actually be expressed by "pretense" "deception" or "delusion." Look these up (I suggest Longam Dictionary for this) to determine what you actually mean to say and which word actually expresses it. Below are some other sentence level errors.

word choice
look up "demolished"
a true noble knight cannot be demolished

collocation errors (use Longman Dictionary)
look up "chance"
no chances of escaping
look up "understanding"
I still cannot come to an understanding.
look up "reflected"
reflected of a mirror

tense switch, needs tense agreement
Her sins were punished, ... Darkness and nothing more would have filled her eyes

punctuation
walls. No ...: dramatic effect still requires the correct punctuation of a colon

I'd suggest using a simple Object instead of an adjectival that-clause; and "she" is required as the subject case in "than she [is]":
As a daughter of a sinner, you believed that I am no better than her.
suggested change to: you believed me no better than she.

punctuation [comma] missing
You believed, with no evidence, just mere thoughts that there was no doubt of me

anomalous, and wrong word choice: you can't "hold" a perspective in your eyes (look up "perspective"), and "perspective" is contemporary
holds a different perspective in your eyes

tense switch, requires tense agreement (agreement of one tense or the other)
The entire world is in motion ... Time moved differently ... minute stretched ... I could bear ... I only found

These should help you sort this out a bit better and find other examples of (1) wrong collocations (look words up); (2) tense disagreement; (3) wrong word choice (look words up); and (4) anomalous expressions.

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How can I improve this epistolary narrative based on The Lady of Shalott by Alfred, Lord Tennyson?

Part 2 of letter:

After years, the lies, the illusions and the tricks of my mother were all uncovered and exposed. Mother’s illusions and fraudulent wiles led men to their demise, you nearly being among one of them. She was a woman who loved not chastity...

This is impressive. You have picked up Tennyson's sense of emotion and cadence very well, though of course your context is all invention, and very clever invention, of a backstory for the Lady of Shallott. Your ideas seem and the cohesion of them seems very clear. As far as content goes, I see no significant changes that need to be made (though of course, I don't know what the specifics of the assignment are).

The only problem I note is that your choice of archaic sounding language and high poetic diction escapes your control here and there. Let's see if we can isolate a few of those spots. In all and over all, though, your grammar is sound and your syntax is much better than on a first draft.

1. If "Mother" is past tense (dead or not actively trouble-making), then this must be past tense also: lead men should be led men

2. "my father upon one of them": I think you mean among them, though it loses your cadence (rhythm as found in prose); try "my father, alas, among them."

3. chastity, her: semicolon needed chastity; her

4. body so: comma needed body, so

5. believed that I was no better: need am as you are still alive and actively writing a letter

6. was no doubt / grow and become: tense agreement needs grew became

7. casted a curse: past tense is irregular with no suffix, needing cast

  • cast
    verb, cast, cast·ing
    verb (used with object)
    1.
    to throw or hurl; fling (Random House Dictionary)

8. an isolate soul: past tense requires an -ed suffix for isolated (this is the opposite of "cast")

9. time moved different for me: adjective needs differently for me

10. hours stretched to / days stretched to: commas needed between "hours, stretched to" and between "days, stretched to"

There may be others; these are the most obvious ones that are noticeable on a quick examination. If you make a more thorough examination, you will find for yourself if there are any others. Be sure to have your online dictionary opened and ready to use as a dictionary will help you find errors, for instance, in sample sentences given.

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I need suggestions on improving my epistolary narrative based on Alfred, Lord Tennyson's The Lady of Shalott.

PART 1:

14 May 1453

To whom it may concern,

I am writing this letter to tell my story in hope for someone to read it. I have no one to share, express my inner feelings to and so I decided to write this letter to who it may fall in the hands of.

The first comment I'd make is that much in your narrative has no relationship to the context of the poem. In other words, you can't support a number of your statements from the text (especially paragraph 3). If it is important that your narrative accurately reflect the content of the poem, then you have a bit more work to do in understanding Tennyson's language (if on the other hand, you have free reign with your imagination for the assignment, my remark won't apply).

Only reapers, reaping early
In among the bearded barley,
Hear a song that echoes cheerly
From the river winding clearly,

She was happy to weave her magic loom and never look out the window until one evening, having seen the mirrored "shadow" of a newly wed couple go along the river, she became heartsick and longed, as grown people do, for something more than the shadows of a happy life lived by others.

Or when the moon was overhead,
Came two young lovers lately wed;
"I am half-sick of shadows," said
      The Lady of Shalott.

It was while she was in this mood that Lancelot happened to return to Camelot along the river and be reflected in her mirror. He and his warrior's steed were decked in radiance and jewels; his banners "blazon'd baldric" were shinning; bells rang from his horse's bridle. What with his splendor and her weariness of shadows and her longing for the substance of life (not the shadow of life), she for the first time ever felt an urge to look at real life through the window.

It is at the precise moment that she looks out the window that her misery starts, not before then: the curse comes upon her and her death begins.

Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror crack'd from side to side;
"The curse is come upon me," cried
      The Lady of Shalott.

Thus if your narrative is meant to reflect the feelings of the Lady of Shalott as Tennyson created her, then you have more to understand and at least one-and-a-half paragraphs to rewrite (paragraphs 2 and 3 specifically).

The other problem that is immediately notable is that your syntax, especially in your first paragraph is not accurately Standard English syntax. Standard form requires (except in rhetorical variations) Subject Verb Object or Complement (who did what to whom / who is what), also indicated as SVO/C. Some Verbs require an Object (some don't) while some Subjects and Verbs require a Complement to the Subject. The only way to know if you are using Objects and Subject Verb combinations correctly is to double check each word in a good dictionary. I suggest Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English. It explains usage in a "somebody did something to somebody or something" or in a "somebody is/has/will be something" pattern and similar patterns.

In paragraph one, here is an example of a missing Verb:

  • A person (Subject) that I am able to share my story with (post-modifying adjectival that-clause) [a verb indicating what "a person" does or is is required]

Other examples from your first paragraph--that can lead you toward finding others throughout your narrative--of syntax errors are:

  • I am writing this letter to tell my story in [the] hope of someone to read it. [to read error: requires agreement with "writing"; should be "reading"]
  • I have no one to share, ["share" in this usage is part of a phrasal verb and requires the preposition "with" (acting as a "particle") to complete the phrasal verb for "share with"]
  • , express my inner feelings to {enclose this ellipsis phrase with a closing comma for "[comma] express my inner feelings to [comma]}
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How can I improve this epistolary narrative based on The Lady of Shalott by Alfred, Lord Tennyson?

Her Illusions and fraudulent wiles lead men to their demise, my father upon one of them. She was a woman who loved not chastity, her life she led in great wantonness, in filth and lust of lechery.

In today’s modern world of electronic communication, some of which does not even use full words and sentences (e.g. text messages), writing an epistolary narrative is a worthy intellectual and writing exercise that recalls the past, certainly before cell phones and even before television and radio. In the time of poets such as Tennyson, people communicated their innermost thoughts and feelings to each other in writing, through letters, and to themselves, through journals and diaries. Letters, journals, and diaries of people in the past were not necessarily meant for publication by their authors, who wrote as if for their eyes only or for that of the person to which the writing was addressed. As such, an epistolary narrative should express thoughts and feelings intimately and convey ideas as if there were no other way to communicate intense experiences. Contemporary readers of epistolary narratives should come away with a feeling that they are being told a secret, that they are stumbling upon what has been written almost as if by accident. Very little in the writing should be left to mystery or to the imagination, and thoughts, feelings and ideas should be expressed as explicitly as possible.

An epistolary narrative, means, quite simply, to write letter. The root word of the word “epistolary” is “epistle,” which describes a special type of letter to a person or to a group and connotes an intensity of the message contained in the letter.

As such, in reference to writing an epistolary letter in response to Tennyson’s “The Lady of Shalott,” the above is a good start. In Part II  of the poem, Tennyson describes the title character as having a “curse on her.”  Below are some suggestions for improving the epistolary letter relative to the so-called “curse”:

1. Specify innermost thoughts and feelings. A few of the phrases paint a broad-stroked picture that assumes that the reader should know what the writer means, and, as such, lack clarity and emotional impact.  For example, at the end of the first paragraph,  try writing more directly as to what “sins” and which “punishment” and relate that to the emotional impact of being punished for those sins.

2. Show, rather than tell, in writing descriptions with adjectives and verbs. For example, in first sentence of the third paragraph, the description “beautifully engraved” could reflect more detail. Try writing as if the reader has no idea what the necklace looks like and that this information is vitally important to understanding the emotional viewpoint of the writer. It seems odd that the writer would find something which curses her “beautiful,” yet also suggests a duality that is worth exploring in more depth.
An epistolary narrative is certainly not a common way to write given the modern tendency and, indeed, necessity to convey information, rather than depth of details and emotions in everyday writing. As an exercise, writing an epistolary narrative that reflects emotional depth and vivid descriptions may improve other types of writing. Good luck!

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How can I improve this narrative based on The Lady of Shalott by Alfred, Lord Tennyson?

At the beginning, I had little care to question uncertainty, to answer reasons, to arrive at a conclusion to explain my presence in here. After years of incessant trying, I had forgotten. Engulfed in loathness, anxiety and despair, I had forgetting the horrid memories of the past. There were days when frustration conquered, bewilderment begun to well up, questions rose and those were the daunting days in which nightmares haunted my every sleep. Each dream forecasted a memory that triggered another memory until the jigsaw of my puzzlement was completed. Most dreams were vivid; the faces in which I was unable to recall were that of my mother. Her deceitful benevolent talks echoed in the thoughts of my mind. I remember everything now.

Father, I beg of you to show mercy and feel pity and reconsider your judgments of me. A period of 18 years, I would have learnt a lesson if I had held sinful thoughts. It is unjust for an innocent person to be punished the same way as another sinful person. I beg of you to be thoughtful and set me free from this excruciating cage. I wish to unleash my feathers and hover over a world that I was forbidden to interact with. I am half sick of shadows.

The Lady of Shalott: your daughter.

You can improve the letter by being more specific.

You have done a good job with the language in these paragraphs, but it would be better if you had a little more detail.  You have done well at capturing how she feels to be locked up, but it would be more powerful if you were more specific.  For example, you could describe specific things she misses from the outside world.  These are what are most likely to pull at the heartstrings.

As an example, consider how specific the poem is.

She left the web, she left the loom,

She made three paces thro' the room,            110 

She saw the water-lily bloom,

She saw the helmet and the plume,

     She looked down to Camelot. (part 3)

If I were a father, I would be far more impressed by the little details of how she is faring than generalities.  What exactly does she need?  You have described how she feels, but why does she feel this way?  She is angry, but how has she been wronged?  She is trapped, but what is she missing?

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How can I improve this narrative based on The Lady of Shalott by Alfred, Lord Tennyson?

At the beginning, I had little care to question uncertainty, to answer reasons, to arrive at a conclusion to explain my presence in here. After years of incessant trying, I had forgotten. Engulfed in loathness, anxiety and despair, I had forgetting the horrid memories of the past. There were days when frustration conquered, bewilderment begun to well up, questions rose and those were the daunting days in which nightmares haunted my every sleep. Each dream forecasted a memory that triggered another memory until the jigsaw of my puzzlement was completed. Most dreams were vivid; the faces in which I was unable to recall were that of my mother. Her deceitful benevolent talks echoed in the thoughts of my mind. I remember everything now.

Father, I beg of you to show mercy and feel pity and reconsider your judgments of me. A period of 18 years, I would have learnt a lesson if I had held sinful thoughts. It is unjust for an innocent person to be punished the same way as another sinful person. I beg of you to be thoughtful and set me free from this excruciating cage. I wish to unleash my feathers and hover over a world that I was forbidden to interact with. I am half sick of shadows.

The Lady of Shalott: your daughter.

You have done a very nice job here. There are a couple of problems though that you may want to address.

  • You have some anomalies.
  • You have some incorrect word choices.
  • You have some grammar errors.

One other important thing is that, depending upon the terms of your assignment (which I of course cannot know), your first paragraph shows a misunderstanding of the meaning of Tennyson's poem. In short, the Lady of Shalott is not miserable. She is cheerful and sings daily with "a song that echoes cheerly." Though she is on a "silent isle" bower, she is in "a space of flowers" indicating loveliness and joy for her, not misery and suffering.

Thus, if your assignment requires understanding and reflecting the life of the Lady of Shalott correctly, you've missed; you've misunderstood her and Tennyson's meaning. If, on the other hand, your assignment gives you free license to reinvent the Lady from your own imagination without any reference to Tennyson's Lady, then the incorrect representation is fine and interesting. Evaluate your assignment to confirm for yourself that it is acceptable to reinvent the Lady without any concurrence with Tennyson's vision.

ANOMALIES
anomaly: someone or something that is abnormal or incongruous; deviates from the rule, the norm, the type (Random House Dictionary)

1. "be part of the natural and social world outside": You have chosen to use pseudo-archaic, high poetic diction. This phrase is strictly contemporary and alludes to modern scientific theory. You might say something like, "prison that holds me back from the sun's warmth and the laughter of voices raised."

2. "to interact with" and "to experience" and "quarrel over minor things": These are anomalous for the same reasons as above: contemporary concepts versus archaic. You might trade "commune" for "interact"; "welcome" for "experience"; "dispute and reconcile" for "quarrel ...."

3. "gale": Gales define a speed of maritime (ocean based) wind that isn't used to reference inland winds. Camelot of legend is thought to be an inland location in South Somerset receded away from the seacoast. If so, "gales" won't normally blow that far inland.

WORD CHOICES
Look up these words for correct selection (meaning) and usage as they are incorrectly selected here.

For example, "loath" means that someone is reluctant or averse, so being "engulfed in loathness (noun)" would mean that you emit the quality that gives others an aversion to you; this is not what you mean: try "loathing" (noun) to mean the feeling of aversion to your situation [you have a feeling of strong dislike or disgust for your situation (Random House)]:

  • loathness
  • daunting
  • benevolent
  • partake

INCORRECT GRAMMAR

  • I had forgetting the horrid memories of the past: wrong tense; "had forgotten"
  • bewilderment begun to well up, questions rose and those were: tense agreement, "began"; comma missing
  • the faces in which I was unable to recall were that of my mother: wrong adverbial, "which"; mother has ONE face, thus tense/number agreement
  • A period of 18 years, I would have learnt a lesson if I had held: adverbial needed to head the introductory adverbial phrase; "after"
  • cherished my existence, relies on it
  • how it feels to smile when in thoughts of him
  • would never understand until we trade
  • Lady of Shalott: your daughter: capitals are required in signatures

All in all, you have done a terrific job of a challenging undertaking employing pseudo-archaic language and high poetic diction. Make a good online dictionary your friend, try Dictionary.com, which gives you access to Random House American English Dictionary and Collins British English Dictionary.

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How can I improve this narrative based on The Lady of Shalott by Alfred, Lord Tennyson?

At the beginning, I had little care to question uncertainty, to answer reasons, to arrive at a conclusion to explain my presence in here. After years of incessant trying, I had forgotten. Engulfed in loathness, anxiety and despair, I had forgetting the horrid memories of the past. There were days when frustration conquered, bewilderment begun to well up, questions rose and those were the daunting days in which nightmares haunted my every sleep. Each dream forecasted a memory that triggered another memory until the jigsaw of my puzzlement was completed. Most dreams were vivid; the faces in which I was unable to recall were that of my mother. Her deceitful benevolent talks echoed in the thoughts of my mind. I remember everything now.

Father, I beg of you to show mercy and feel pity and reconsider your judgments of me. A period of 18 years, I would have learnt a lesson if I had held sinful thoughts. It is unjust for an innocent person to be punished the same way as another sinful person. I beg of you to be thoughtful and set me free from this excruciating cage. I wish to unleash my feathers and hover over a world that I was forbidden to interact with. I am half sick of shadows.

The Lady of Shalott: your daughter.

There are several things I really like about your interpretation of the title character in Alfred, Lord Tennyson's "The Lady of Shallot." However, for clarity's sake, here are some suggestions.

At the start, I would change "care" to "desire," as the verb "desire" shows an a wish to make things different, something unclear with "care." I would remove the following sentence, as it is unclear:

After years of incessant trying, I had forgotten.

The reader is unsure of what has been forgotten. In the next sentence, "loathness" is awkward. I would remove it, write "engulfed by," and simply refer to "anxiety and despair." It might be easier to follow if you tried to forget the horrid memories... Next, frustration overwhelmed rather than "conquer," bewilderment "began to well up" (at this point, insert "and"), and shorten the remainder of the sentence to say "in which nightmares haunted my very [not every] sleep." You began the sentence with "days;" there is no need to mentioned days twice in the sentence.

Edit "forecasted" out of the next sentence, using instead "dislodged" and remove "triggered," replacing it with "loosened." (Triggered" is used correctly, but I don't feel it's the best word.) Keep "until the jigsaw of my puzzlement" and add "fell into order." Remove "Most dreams..." until "everything now." I would only casually mention "mother." Maybe write, "I now recall mother's lies, that you, Father, wrongly believed," which infers what brought you to this place.

In the next sentence, remove the first "and" (for you use a comma rather than two "ands"). Also remove the "s" in "judgments."

Father, I beg of you to show mercy, feel pity and reconsider your judgment of me.

Add "Over" to the start of your next sentence, ...Over a period of 18 years... Then replace "learnt" with "learned." The remainder of the sentence is good. Remove the last part of the next sentence so it reads...

It is unjust for an innocent person to be punished...

Your reference to punishment the same as another is unclear for we do not know about your sin or that of another (whoever that may be). Keep the next sentence as is, but replace "excruciating" with "lonely confinement."

I like the personification of your song (giving your song human characteristics as it escapes): simply change "the" to "my prison;" but then remove "natural and social," keeping "world outside." Rather than "unleash...feathers," I would "unfurl my wings" and continue on with the sentence, changing "was" to "have been forbidden..." Instead of "Endless," I believe it is more accurate to use "countless." Of your wishes, write that you have wished to "love and be loved," and "know someone cherished my existence." You don't need the rest.

Next, write... 

...have longed to know how it feels to smile with thoughts of him, and to laugh and quarrel over minor things.

Regarding the rain, change your reaction to "have craved," using the correct (and consistent) verb tense. Refer to "winter's night." If this is a personal response to nature, have the "rushing wind pulling at my hair" or "cloak."  

Finally, start with "Unable..." (the sentence is good), simply change the latter portion to "I have become..." Change "would" to "You will," and finish the sentence as it is, with your quote from the poem. "Half sick of shadows" shows a direct allusion to this famous piece. With it, and your name, the intent of your writing is clear. Nice job: we feel this woman's pain!

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