[The following essay formed the dedication to Astell's pseudonymously published pamphlet Bart'lemy Fair. In it, Astell parodies the standard form of a dedication and condemns the Kit-Cat Club by means of a sarcastic encomium of the members.]

My Lords, & c.

The Reputation of being the avow'd Patrons of Wit and good Humour, and the properest Subjects of it, which you have so justly acquir'd, emboldens me to presume that the least Attempt that way, won't fail of your gracious Acceptance, and generous Enconragement. Confusion wou'd seize me in Addressing to such accomplish'd Patrons, but that Modesty is the least of your Vertues, it scarce attends you to the Door of your Academy. Powerful Wit, cou'd I pretend any Interest in it, wou'd be a much better Master of the Ceremonies than all the Vertues of the Greeks and Romans, tho' attended with the joint Eloquence of Tully and Demosthenes. For Wit is then most Godlike when it creates its Object, and never sparkles with so great a Lustre as in a Panegyrick upon Vice and Folly. To say no more than every body knows, is much the same with saying nothing; since 'tis little to the purpose, of Wit at least: But he must needs have a fund of Beauty in his own Mind, who where no body else can discern a Charm, finds enough to Captivate.

PARDON, noble Patrons, my too forward Zeal, who without Impulse or Enthusiasm, or any other Qualification besides a due Sense of your Merits, audaciously attempt to shew them to the World, as if it were not sufficiently appriz'd of them already! None but those paltry Fellows the Church-Wardens can be ignorant of your Fame; but having taken an Oath, they must remain as ignorant as they can in order to keep it.

AND oh! that the imagin'd Presence of so many great Men to whom I address my self, every one of 'em of a more than ordinary Genius, might inspire and raise my Thoughts to make a suitable Encomium, which late Posterity might read, and wonder! Oppress'd with so much Merit where shall I begin! Your Intellectual and Moral Endowments, your Civil and Military Vertues, your Publick and Private Accomplishments, being equally Valuable and Extraordinary! But your Wit and good Humour have determin'd me; That Love to the Public, that Study of universal Good, and to promote the Interest of the whole World, as far as is in your Power; your indefatigable Industry to communicate to Mankind that perfect Freedom you enjoy, this is surely the height of Goodness!

IN time of Yore, the Men of Quality had no Notion of Greatness, without Stateliness and Moroseness accompanying it, they wou'd be distinguished from Plebeians both by their Vices and their Vertues. You perfectly understand, 'tis true, how to maintain your Grandeur and noble Haughtiness upon just Occasions. As when a cluster of saucy Tradesmen, thinking they have an English Right to ask their own, intrude into your Anti-Chambers, if Cunning, Force, or Fees, can procure them that Privilege, and not content to pass for humble Suitors, will needs shew themselves to be troublesome Duns: When an Ill-bred Fellow endeavours to protect a Wife, or Daughter, or other vertuous Woman, from your very Civil Addresses, your noble Courage never fails of being rous'd upon such great Provocations, and if the vile Offender don't sneak out of your way, unarm'd as he is, you know how to whip him thro' the Lungs most valiantly! But excepting these and a few other Cases, such is your Candor and Generosity, you are so truly Good, that the very lowest of the Mob may tread in your renowned Steps, may do you secret and important Services; Drink and Swear their Quota with the best of you, dare treat you freely, and are sure you will not be displeas'd with this Liberty.

THE income of the Mob indeed will not allow them to keep pace in your elegant way of Living; as yet they are forc'd to stand at awful Distance. But to your everlasting Praise, you cease not to endeavour, by the Assistance of your darling Luxury, that great Leveller and Transferrer of Property, to make the Tradesman equal to the Lord. And were it not for the Narrow-soul'd Care of some of your Ancestors, who have unluckily put a stop to your Generosity, you might have an occasion of imitating that fine Action whereby the Noble Apicius put an end to his Glorious Life! However, in that which costs them nought, in Oaths, Blasphemies and Execrations, the vilest Mechanic and Beggar, encourag'd by your Bravery, scorns to come behind the Greatest Peer. And such has been your Zeal and Public-Spiritedness, that almost every Street and Lane is become an Academy where this Rhetoric may be learnt!

ONE has not, I confess, heard of your Fame from Hochsted, Ramellies, & c. But every body knows that the World is Envious and Ungrateful, 'tis to your sedate Wisdoms, your healing, vigorous Councils, wise Debates, and prudent Management, that the English Name has retriev'd, or even excell'd, its antient Glory! You who are our Houshold Gods con'd not indeed be permitted to leave the Island, and expvse your precious Lives, your All, to seek for Laurels on a foreign Shore: Wit so consummate as yours, knows how to gather them at home, at less Expence, and to reap the Fruits of Victory far from the Dangers of War. For to speak a bold Truth, upon your Principles, none but an English-man, who has more Courage than Brains, wou'd expose his Person, and run the Risque of his Life in a Battel, or in the Trenches, did he not believe to the utmost, and strive to have Hope that he shall come off safely. 'Tis certain he must never consult his Reason after your exact Method, nor know the Cheat of future Hopes and Fears, for this wou'd turn him often a-drift, (a civil Phrase for running away) it wou'd shew him a great deal of harm in such a Venture; no less than the Hazard of all his Satisfaction and Happiness in this World, and that without any Advantage of Recommendation to another. I question much whether the Prowess of our Invincible General, great as it is, wou'd ever have been able to've given us occasion for One Te Deum, were his Army compos'd of such Men of Wit, and did they allow themselves time to think: Unless he had the Happiness to insure them in his Good Fortune, as well as to inspire them with his Valour.

Asorry Roman, who knew no better than to return to his Plough from the Head of a Triumphant Army, to dine upon Turneps, dress'd by his own victorious Hands; and who like a very Ruftic, chose to eat in Earthen Dishes rather than have a Service of Plate; such an one might prefer the good of his Country, future Fame, and a fine Post in Elysium, before his Life, and like those Warlike Enthusiasts of whom we read in Antient History, Curtius, and the Decii, devote himself for the safety of his Country: But for Men perfectly well instructed in the noble My stery of good Eating and Drinking, and all the other requisites to a voluptuous Life; Men who have the Fortitude to let the Cries and Tears of whole Troops of Orphans and Widows go unregarded, but who will suffer no part of Voluptuousness to pass by them, nor meanly curb any of their loosest Desires; sparing neither Pains nor Cost to taste, do I say? rather to Wallow in every Delight; for such as these to leave the Delicacies of the Town for the Fatigues of a Campagne, were most Unreasonable, and must not be expected. Unless that Anti-saving of Souls which is now the Heroic Passion of your exalted Spirits, and is become in a manner your chief Care, and the very end of all your Consultations, has inspir'd you with that hopeful Project of instructing the Valiant Youth of the Nation, to reconcile the Luxuries of their Winter Quarters to the Rigors of a Camp. For thank our Stars! neither is our Climate so bad, nor our Discipline so severe, as that Britains shou'd be forc'd to Live like Swedes. Far be such Manners from us! be they left to Unpolish'd Northern Heroes, whose want of Goust suffers them to relish nothing but Prudence and Justice, Temperance and Fortitude, an unblemish'd Faith, and spotless Honour.

AND by the way, it may be a Problem worthy the Resolution of your Famous Assembly, why a Prince in the Vigour of his Youth and a full Tide of Prosperity, whose Understanding keeps pace with his Courage, whose Wisdom is as Consummate in Forming his Designs, as his magnanimous Soul is Undaunted and Happy in the Execution, whom no Difficulties can stop, no seeming Impossibilities discourage, who is not less Victorious in the Cabinet than in the Field; how comes it that such a Prince shou'd find no Pleasure but in the Paths of the severest Vertue and real Glory? That he shou'd value nothing like his Bible, and tho' he studies it daily, and conforms himself to its Rules, be of so sound a Judgment, and clear a Head, as to be wholly incapable of all sorts of Pannic?

BUT why do I mention such little Heroes, as are forc'd to seek occasions Abroad, of shewing their Conduct and exercising their Valour? Your perfect Heroism makes Opportunities, and finds in every Place an ample Theatre for your Merits. The Bath, the Wells and every Fair, each Chocolate, Gaming House and Tavern resounds with your Noble Exploits. Never were any Men's Inventions so Fruitful in Ways and Means to cultivate their Notions, and spread their Examples! 'Tis to this Industry, that Her Majesty and the Illustrious House of Hanover are oblig'd for the Pains you take in the Education of such a hopeful Race as your towardly Kitlings! Who being got above all sorts of Pannic, and set loose from all Reverence for Oaths, which are an Appeal to an invisible Being, whom you know little of, and to whom you say, Depart from us, may be able to beat the French King at his own Weapon, and to Triumph over him as much in the glorious Conquest of Pacts and Treaties, as your fellow Subjects do in taking Cities and subduing Armies.

SOME few mean Souls, who wou'd fain pass for Generous or Charitable, bestow now and then a scanty Alms and sorry Pittance, upon a Relation, a Neighbour, or who comes first to hand, just enough to keep their Heads above Water, not to remove or end their Misery, but to continue it in the bare Preservation of a wretched Life. They who desire to be more taken notice of, contribute perhaps to the building or repair of a Church, and shew their Value for Religion by the Proportion between their Offerings to the Temple and their Bounty to the Theatre; or perhaps they bequeath Money to their Heirs to found an Hospital. Your Liberal Souls above this sordid Management, shew daily (perhaps I ought to except Sundays, and perhaps not) so great a Contempt of Wealth, as to risque no inconsiderable part of your Fortunes upon a Card or Die!

TO say all in a Word, lesser Patriots do but venture their Estates, or Lives at most for the Public, and have a present return of Honour and Reputation for it, when Envy will allow it 'em, and that they meet with Grateful Fellow-Citizens; besides what will come in hereafter, when they are got out of the Reach of Detraction, and stand in no Bodies way. But the Grandeur of your Minds, and your Natural Humanity, which incites you as Fathers of your Country, to render Happy a considerable part of Mankind by your Care, spurs on your Noble Resolution to sacrifice your very Souls, and all your Hopes of Eternity, for their Encouragement and Example; and to confirm them in that profound Maxim, That a Bird in the Hand is worth two in the Bush, notwithstanding that a Man may infallibly take the Two if it be not thro' his own Fault. Nor can it be deny'd to your immortal Renown, that neither the Credit of a Court, the Power of a Nobility, nor the Awfulness of a Church, can give Religion Protection, since you have wittily and ingenuously dress'd her up in the Habit of Imposture, and as such Arraign'd her in every Shape and Appearance. She only finds an Asylum in our Sovereign's Breast, for you pursue her to the Palace Gates! The obstinate Vertue and Piety of the Queen, 'tis true, remain unconquer'd, nothing but the Reduction of these is wanting to your Triumphs. For there are among those whose Business is Religion, Men so far from Biggottry, such avow'd Enemies to Superstition, and to any thing called by these Names, that tho' they do not think it Decent to chant Encomiums upon all your Actions, yet are such excellent Distinguishers, as not to confound the Less with the More Praise-worthy. They have so much Reverence for the vulgar and common Opinion, as not to Applaud what these are pleas'd to call Profane Cabals; but they rejoyce however in the good Effects of them. They don't justify you as Atheists, but they tolerate you as Deists and Socinians, by a peculiar Act of Indulgence over and above the Act of Toleration; and they Adore you as Patriots. They expect not that you shou'd be without Fault, alas! we live not in Plato's Commonwealth, but in the Dregs of Gothic Monarchy! Your public Spirit, your honest and unwearied Industry, perfas & nefas, to serve your Country, are Vertues that atone for every thing!

MAY the Government Reward you according to your Merits, and the signal Services you perform! If any one suspects your Allegiance to your Prince, because of your avow'd Opposition to the King of Kings, and is therefore apt to raise Calumnies against you, and trouble the Repose of the Nation with needless Fears and Jealousies; let such an one know that it is the Felicity of the present Age to reconcile Contradictions, and no Men more fit to do it than your Witty Selves. For this Reason then, it wou'd be the highest Ingratitude and want of Conduct, not to fix you in Places of greatest Honour and Trust, Power and Profit, for which you are so extremely well qualified, Profit at least, your vast Expences requiring this Supply: Whereas Honour and Trust may be left in Meaner Hands. However, be you in Place or out of it, so long as your Morals shine in their present Lustre, you cannot but be equally esteem'd, belov'd and adher'd to by One who makes no doubt of your Protection.

———For in our scribling Times
No Fool can want a Sot to praise his Lines:
The flattest Work has ever in the Court,
Met with some zealous Ass for its support:
And in all times a forward, scribling Fop
Has found some greater Fool to cry him up.

Art of Poetry, Canto I.