Summary
In his essay “Friendship,” Ralph Waldo Emerson portrays friendship as a natural, albeit paradoxical, human need. For Emerson, humans may possess “selfishness that chills like east winds.” Despite this, humans are surrounded by “an element of love like a fine ether,” which points to an innate love and need for companionship.
Emerson believes that in having friendships with others we are exhilarated and freed. He then compares scholarly work to friendship and concludes that having a friend can supply happiness more surely than intellectual pursuits. Emerson also explains the uneasiness that comes with making friends. He describes the shallow beginnings of friendship and how a person may show her best self when beginning to get to know another person. Often the beginning of a friendship is paired with a nervous “throbbing of the heart” and excitement, but as friendship progresses, nervousness at upkeeping looks and intelligence falls away, and “vulgarity, ignorance, and misapprehension” come in. Here, Emerson characterizes the nebulous and changing nature of friendship. Friendship at first is often comfortable and enjoyable, but the more you know a person, the harder it becomes to continue a friendship. For Emerson, having a friendship is akin to “indulging” in one’s “affections.” A friendship at its base can give a person a feeling of love and companionship that can make “all tragedies and ennuis vanish.” Further, although friendship and connections with like-minded people are important to Emerson, he holds to his transcendentalist and individualist philosophies. Emerson claims that friendship is valuable, but being comfortable in solitude is necessary.
Emerson then posits that friendships have divine roots. To him, friends have come to Emerson as if given by God. The act of making new friends is a “great event” that “hinders” him from sleep, pointing to the ecstasy and importance of friendships. Emerson then elaborates on the negative aspects of friendship, such as idolatry, explaining that we tend to see our friends in a more loving way and are unable to see flaws. For Emerson, this is due to how friendships are based on love. Friendships are natural and necessary, like the ebb and flow of blood through the heart.
However, he is also careful to mention that because of idolatry and love of our friends, we often only see the imagined and contrived version of another person. Emerson warns that friendship is “too good to be believed,” because one can never truly know another person; to Emerson, there is a “strict science” that keeps all persons in “remoteness” from one another. Because a person cannot know another person completely, friendship then is based on an imagined concept. This concept is often modeled after our own selves, as Emerson believes that the human soul respects itself more than it does others. Therefore, the friends that we make are consistently a reflection and an affirmation of ourselves. Because of this, we cannot help but seek friends as our individual souls, or selves, grow and change. Emerson compares the making of friends to the growth of a tree, with new leaves and buds forever growing.
Emerson then includes a hypothetical letter to a friend, which explores the paradox of wanting a friendship with someone while simultaneously perceiving the intervening distance. In the letter, Emerson describes himself as “not very wise” and with “attainable” moods—essentially painting himself as an easy person to understand. However, Emerson also says that he cannot fully understand the “genius” or individuality of the person he wishes to be friends with. This gap in understanding leads to what Emerson calls “delicious torment.” The oxymoronic phrase shows that friendship is both desirable in...
(This entire section contains 1308 words.)
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the love and happiness it can bring and tortuous in the misunderstandings it can beget. The hypothetical letter ends with “Thine ever, or never,” showing the dichotomy of friendship and how it remains an impassable divide, despite the joys it offers.
Emerson moves on to warn readers that making a friend should not be a vacuous or thoughtless process. If a friendship is made without thought and effort, then it will inevitably be of poor quality. He claims that friendship has “eternal” laws that are often ignored by impatient people who want affection and friends quickly. Emerson asserts that a friendship will not be good unless it is given effort and patience. If one is too quick and passionate in making friends, she will inevitably miss out on finding a true, spiritually matched friendship. Emerson explains that having too many friends also causes a person to lose the ability to distinguish the truly meaningful friendships in our lives. He goes on to claim that making shallow acquaintances has the ability to sour or dishonor the true friendships in one’s life. Further, true friendships to Emerson are built slowly and on respect. A true friendship is incredibly sturdy, important, and even sacred. Emerson claims that friendship has two important elements: truth and tenderness.
- Truth means that a person can be “permitted to speak truth” completely with another person. The truth should be told without interference or adornment, with the simplicity of how a “chemical atom meets another.” Telling the truth also provides a mirror reflection of one’s self: a friend with whom a person can be truthful with can give the purest insight into one’s own self. Truth is like “diadems and authority,” meaning that it is above all other things; it has nothing to conform to.
- Tenderness, the other “element of friendship,” refers to an exchange of love without superficial purposes. To Emerson, friendship can help one grow intellectually and spiritually through affection.
With these two elements, Emerson believes that a friendship can foster creativity and growth and quell the “drudgery” of life. However, Emerson also states that we may set too high of a standard for friends. He claims that “friends such as we desire are dreams and fables.” Despite this, Emerson encourages others to hope and to work for that true and sacred friendship.
Emerson then explores the effects of friendship on conversation. He believes that a person is only able to show herself at her best with those who draw out those qualities. Therefore, one’s ability to be brilliant, to converse, and to seem interesting is heightened or lowered by the quality of the friends around her. Conversation is best made between two people. For Emerson, having multiple people in a conversation causes the quality, truth, and meaningfulness of a conversation to decline. Emerson then reminds readers of the paradox of friendship mentioned earlier: that of individuality and unity. A friendship should foster one’s individuality while simultaneously acknowledging a deeply shared bond. Furthermore, distance is also necessary for friendship. Emerson explains that to respect and revere your friend, you must give her the space to be her own person. Joy in friendship can only be found by understanding that one’s friend is never one’s possession, or as Emerson says, “the not mine is mine.” Emerson feels that friends should be treated as a “Beautiful enemy”: revered, yet kept at a distance.
Emerson compares friends to owning books: one keeps them near but doesn’t use them often. Emerson goes on to explain that one’s own “greatness” will reach those who are deserving of it and will answer to it. He claims that “true love cannot be unrequited,” suggesting that true friendships will always result in reciprocal love.
Emerson concludes his essay by comparing friendships to the divine. He claims that a friendship can “deify” both individuals, transcending them to a godlike nature out of the sacred relationship they create together. Emerson’s essay looks deeply into human nature and the dichotomies of friendship: a person can know but never truly know their friend. True friends are those who are close yet distant, human yet divine; a friend is indeed a “sort of paradox in nature.”
