The other Educator did a good job of explaining the three different ways that Oskar and his grandparents deal with loss. However, the character of Oskar's mother also shows an interesting dimension in the unique ways different people experience and handle loss. Oskar seeks ways to feel a sense of immediate connection to his father, and he is confused by his mother's different attitude toward loss. Feeling that it is too soon, he is angry and resentful that she has decided to date again.

However, his mother, tasked with the difficult job of raising a child in the midst of profound personal and national grieving, has no choice but to look ahead and to remain a calm, stabilizing presence for her son. She tries to do the quirky little things with him that his father used to do, like scan The New York Times looking for typos, but she fails to fill the void left behind by his death. For much of the novel, she seems to be so distracted that Oskar is able to freely roam the city completing his quest. But toward the end of the book, we find out that Oskar's mom was aware of what he was doing the whole time and was always one step ahead of him, not only aware of his activities and whereabouts but also, at times, secretly offering a helping hand behind the scenes. She copes with loss by paying close, but not overbearing, attention to Oskar's emotional needs and taking care to not "burden" him with her own grief and pain.

For the purposes of the story, the three main characters in Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close are Oskar and his grandparents. Each of them deals with loss in a different way.

Oskar, being an unusually smart boy, attempts to deal with the loss of his father by attaching meaning to every action and word he remembers. When he finds a mysterious key, he begins a journey that ends in revelation, allowing his experiences to overcome his personal grief; for Oskar, the feeling of sorrow can be superceded by experiences and the joy of happy memories.

For his grandfather, the loss of his childhood love leads to withdrawal from the world; although he marries the younger sister of his dead love, he is unable to forget her, and finally flees from his wife and child, writing letters to his son to express his emotions. He is finally able to reconnect with his wife and Oskar, who he meets during Oskar's search.

For his grandmother, the loss of her husband leaves her feeling as if her life is hollow; because of his obsessions, they were unable to enjoy life together and she likens her life to a series of spaces connected by time. She writes letters to Oskar, explaining how she cannot find meaning in life, but finally is able to forgive her husband, who returns to try and comfort the family after their loss.