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How can this essay about a magazine's use of words to capture reader attention be improved?

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First of all, you have something strange going on in this sentence: "Words in the magazine such as “shoujo kai”, “shugo chara”, names of authors, anime and manga series suggest that the audience must have prior knowledge about these names and terms in order to comprehend them." I can't sort this out as to meaning, so you possibly [hedging word] have a fragment with a run-on clause or two run-on fragments. I can't quite [hedging word] tell. Is this below what you mean to say?:

Words in the magazine such as “shoujo kai”, “shugo chara” and the names of popular anime authors plus allusions to anime and manga comic book series suggest that the audience must have prior knowledge about these topics and terms in order to comprehend articles including them.

On another topic [transition phrase], while it is accepted wisdom that writing in passive voice is to be avoided, that is only true if your primary focus is the actor in the thought instead of the acted upon thing. In other words, if your greatest focus in a sentence is "the magazine", then, certainly, write active sentences that emphasize "the magazine" (though this will get pretty dull after you've listed three or four or more things "the magazine" does). If, on the other hand, your focus is the acted upon thing, i.e., the font, the color, the words, the form of address, then, please, do feel free to write passive sentences that make the object of the magazine's action the Subject of the sentence: "The fonts used by the magazine ...."

Passive/active usage is often misunderstood: it is forgotten that passive construction performs a specific function, and if your goals are best met through employing that function, then passive construction is a viable and successful option. Again, the function is to intentionally focus your sentence and the reader's attention on the acted upon thing, on the object of the actor's action. For instance, if you care more about the dog than the post-person and you want your reader to care more about the dog than the post-person, then you will write: "The dog was hurt by the post-person." Conversely [transition word], if you care more about the post-person, you will write: "The post-person hurt the dog." Choose active/passive according to your intention and focus (or according to your instructor's instructions ...).

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I agree with these comments. Your thesis statement should address the prompt.  For example, you can  write about the magazine’s persuasive ability.

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First Paragraph:  First sentence-- I would reword this sentence to take out the "are used" (a linking verb + regular verb, which is passive voice and weakens your writing).  Instead phrase your sentence like this: The magazine uses a variety of words throughout its pages to capture..."  On a side note, you mention the title of the magazine in the very first paragraph, but then avoid using it for the rest of the essay; I recommend incorporating the actual title into your sentences more.  The more specific you can be, the better!  In the third sentence, rephrase it avoid passive voice like I suggested for the first sentence.   I like how this paragraph is really specific about the diction of the magazine, and I recommend that you create a topic and concluding sentence to frame your body of information here.  Don't forget to strengthen the flow of your paragraphs by using transition words. 

Second Paragraph: I am actually going to recommend that you add one more paragraph-- a definitive conclusion to your review of the magazine.  In this final paragraph, you should restate all of the main topics of your other paragraphs and tie them together in the idea that you had in your final sentence in the above paragraph, 'the feeling of exclusivity.' 

Now that I have read all of the paragraphs together, I also recommend that you add a more defined introduction in which you clearly define the purpose of the essay, to review the magazine based on the following criteria: articles, layout, organization, color appeal, style.  Adding an introductory paragraph will help give your essay more cohesion and organization. 

Overall, you have some very good critical analysis concerning the layout, style, and color choices, all of which make for an interesting, thoughtful review of your magazine!

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