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Can you evaluate my essay discussing the attribute of my personality I'm most proud of: effective leadership?

To me, effective leadership is a combination of ability in giving direction, control over emotion, advanced vision, strategy sharing & influence over others. I am lucky to get opportunities to develop this virtue in me. I consider “effective leadership” as the attribute of my personality I am most proud of.

From when I was in 1st grade, I started cooking myself as a person who can give directions & speak over others in completing group tasks. This practice kindled an enthusiasm on my mind & now I am not feared of telling before a huge number of people now.

Having a control over emotion is not an easy chore. In 2008, I got myself as the captain of the cultural team of Bangladesh sent to Italy. All 8 members of our team led 15 days without their family & being emotional is not abnormal in this context. I luckily found myself not as an emotional but as a supportive guy for the others. Even now I don’t become emotional in a tough state. And trying to understand one’s feeling now influences me to be commiserated.

Being a president, I led my school’s debating club arranging an inter-university championship that was organized ever first by a secondary school in Bangladesh! Right away, I can fix my vision to be in the best university in the world with a big amount of courage.

Expert Answers

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There are several grammatical errors in your paper and fixing them will certainly improve your essay.  Looking at your first paragraph as our example, one of you biggest problems is using the wrong preposition.

For instance, in your phrase "ability in," in is a preposition that refers to location. For example, you can say "The cheese is in the fridge." In contrast, the preposition to is the preposition that indicates movement or action, as in the action of giving.  So you really mean to say "the ability to give."

Another problem with your writing is that writers always need to create parallelism within the different clauses or phrases of their sentences. A writer creates parallelism by using the same verb tense and word order. For example, you have (or will have) "ability to give direction" in the first clause of your sentence, and can match that to your second phrase, after the comma, by changing it to "to control emotion." So you will create parallelism by changing your phrases between the commas to:

to give direction

to control emotion

to see in advance

to share strategies and

to influence others

Make these changes and each of your phrases will be exactly parallel.

Finally, another preposition you used wrongly in your first paragraph is as, in "as the attribute." The word as is a preposition that means like. What you really mean to say is "I consider 'effective leadership' to be the attribute...."

Following some of this advice should help you with editing the rest of this paper.

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