How can I improve my essay discussing societal attitudes toward obesity and gender differences in dieting, as portrayed in an episode of 'Moby Dick'?

In this episode, the creator makes it evident about society’s attitudes towards weight. Firstly, physical appearance is very important to most people today and it led to people becoming judgmental towards obesity without looking at the real issue. Even though it’s a play on words, it can be witnessed in the scene where Dick tells to one of the employers of the fitness support group, “That Fat loser over there helped me”. Secondly, this episode shows how society’s attitudes and behaviours are different towards men and women in terms of food and dieting. This is portrayed in the scene where Dick asks Sally if he looks fat and Sally comments, “Just be thankful, at least you’re a man, you guys can get away with it”. This proves society’s stress with appearances and body image for women to be skinny but not so much for men. The creator of ‘Moby Dick’ is therefore very aware and critical about society’s image and judgments with body image and appearances.

You’ve done a good job here of having a topic sentence and a concluding sentence and having the rest of the paragraph support the topic sentence.  That’s very good.  My comments, then, will have to do with wording only since the content of the paragraph is good.

In the first sentence, you can’t say “makes it evident about…”  The “it” in that sentence does not refer to anything; it has no antecedent.  You might say “…makes society’s attitudes towards weight evident.”

In the second sentence, “and it led” should be “which leads.”  “Led” is past tense while the sentence begins in the present tense.  In the same sentence, what do you mean be “the real issue?”  It would be better if you made this clear.

In the third sentence, “fat” should not be capitalized.

In the sixth sentence, you wording is awkward.  Try to say it more clearly.  For example, “This proves that society puts more pressure on women to be skinny than it puts on men.”

Again, you’ve done well with the structure of this paragraph and with having it discuss one topic only.

This portion of the essay has a clear topic sentence to open it.  I believe that, again, I would replace "Firstly" with "Initially."  I think that there might be some level of analysis about the line regarding the "fat loser."  This section of the essay might be strengthened if you are able to explain how the notion of a "fat loser" is reflective of society's attitude regarding those who are overweight.  The other essay where I think that a bit more detail is going to be needed is in the gender issue.  There is the loaded line featured about how men and women differ in terms of society's impressions of weight gain.  I think that this needs to be expanded and detailed a bit more.  It seems to me that this is a very important issue for a couple of reasons.  The first is that it directly ties into the thesis statement, or the topic sentence, in that it talks about social distinction with weight gain.  The second reason it is important is because it fully addresses how the show addresses the issue of social perception in weight gain through a gender point of view.  I think that this is important to bring out and would expand on this point, amplifying it, in order to add more indepth analysis to the paragraph.

How can this review of a TV show, discussing societal attitudes towards weight gain, be improved?

The show reveals insights towards society’s attitudes concerning weight gain. Firstly, physical appearance is valuable to a majority of people which has led today’s society to becoming judgmental and focused on body image rather than health. People tend to avoid seeking the genuine cause that led others to gain weight. Even though it’s a play on words, it can be witnessed in the scene where Dick tells one of the employers of the fitness support group, “That fat loser over there helped me”. This suggests that fat people are losers. Secondly, the following episode is entitled “Moby Dick” which refers to a huge whale. This conveys the same subject matter presented throughout the episode; weight gain. Lastly, this episode shows how men and women differ in terms of society’s impression of weight gain. This is presented in the scene where Dick asks Sally if he looks fat and Sally comments, “Just be thankful, at least you’re a man, you guys can get away with it”. This proves that society puts more pressure on women to be skinny that it puts on men. The creators of “Moby Dick” are therefore very aware and critical about society’s image and judgments about body image and appearances.

I have one comment about the content and then just one or two little things about details.

Content-wise, your second point about the title of the episode could be made a little stronger.  Right now, you simply say that the title conveys that the episode is about weight gain.  But the use of the whale analogy is beyond that.  The idea of connecting whales and fat people is very cruel and shows the extent to which people look down on people who are overweight.  You should mention this instead of just saying the title shows that the episode is about weight gain.

As for details:

“has led today’s society to becoming…” “Becoming,” in this sentence, should just be “become.”

In the sentence that starts “Secondly,” you can’t call this the following episode because you’ve already been talking about it.  You could call it “this episode” or “the episode we are discussing.”