Aomame

That night, Aomame stands on the balcony of the sterile apartment, wondering what happened to the rubber plant she left behind at home. She does not know why she is so worried about this, but she is. She bought the plant a couple of months ago. At the time, she went to a pet store to buy goldfish, and then she decided she did not like the idea of paying money for a captive, living animal. She grabbed the rubber plant instead and bought it at a discount. It was unhealthy and rather ugly, but it was the only living thing Aomame ever owned. In her mind, it becomes a symbol for what she has lost. As she thinks about it, she starts to cry.

In this frame of mind, Aomame looks down at the playground below her balcony and sees a man sitting on top of the slide, looking up at the sky. She has an intuitive sense that, like her, he can see two moons. She gets out a pair of binoculars and focuses them on the man’s face. She recognizes him as Tengo.

For a moment, Aomame cannot believe that Tengo, the long-term object of her silent love, could be sitting below her tonight, of all nights. But she studies his face, and soon she has no more doubt. He looks much like he did as a child, and his appearance in this place is intuitively fitting after all that has happened. “What should I do?” she thinks.

Aomame feels “split down the middle.” Half of her wants to run to Tengo right now and be with him. She could hold him and talk to him and hear about his life. She could bring him into her apartment and have sex with him just once before she dies. But the other half of her warns caution. Leader offered her a choice, and she accepted it. Now she is likely to be hunted down and killed. She chose this outcome willingly in order to keep Tengo alive. What is the point of seeing him now? What if he does not really love her? And if he does, will she regret her choice to die?

Eventually Aomame’s hunger for companionship wins. She slips into the bathroom to wipe the tears off her face, and then she runs outside to the playground. When she arrives, Tengo is gone. She looks all around, but he is nowhere. She climbs up the slide and sits where he sat, trying to absorb some part of him, even the heat he left behind. But there is nothing. This is the price of hesitation.

After sitting on the slide for some time, Aomame decides that this outcome is best for herself and for Tengo. She is going to die for Tengo, soon, and she has already destroyed the life she left behind. There is no reason to ruin her preparations by trying to live more before she dies. She is ready. She just has to go somewhere first.