Will somebody please give me feedback on my college essay! (Pretty short)Dear Roommate,Let me warn you that magic is not just in fairy tales. It never reveals itself with a simple abracadabra or...

Will somebody please give me feedback on my college essay! (Pretty short)

Dear Roommate,Let me warn you that magic is not just in fairy tales. It never reveals itself with a simple abracadabra or hocus pocus- trust me, I’ve tried. Magic is powerful yet subtle, rare yet incessant, mesmerizing yet easily forgotten. Magic is inexplicable. So I’ll try to explain it to the best of my abilities.Yesterday started out like any other day. I surfed the internet, while shifting my attention between various celebrity gossip, social networking, and college application tabs. After a monotonous hour of unproductively, I decided to treat myself to a “well-deserved” movie. Hollywood or Bollywood? The choice was tough. Stymied, I squatted in front of the two DVD’s, contemplating on which one would captivate my attention the longest, or at least until lunch that is. I decided Bollywood fit the occasion.The movie began with a flamboyant dance routine accompanied by a familiar melody. The tune reverberated in my ears and before I knew it I was embellished with jewelry and in the midst of a dancing scene. How could this be? My life is no Bollywood movie! Or is it?



Expert Answers
clairewait eNotes educator| Certified Educator

Okay.  Not bad - actually - cute intro, good use of parallelism and big vocabulary.  I like your Bollywood idea - and I hope your reader knows Bollywood because it is a little obscure and possibly reserved for true film geeks (but maybe I'm wrong, is it very popular among your friends?).

You have me interested, certainly.  I do have a couple of questions.  First, who is your audience and what is the purpose of this essay?  Is this a college entrance essay or a "letter to my roommate?"  You start with "Dear Roommate..." perhaps this is tied up in your second part - but I fear you need to get to your point a little quicker.  Clearly your first paragraph is all a hook - but even in these first two paragraphs I'm thinking, "Yeah yeah yeah, what's the point?"  Where is your thesis?  And what does the part about "magic" at the beginning have to do with anything?  Again, I realize you have possible tied these things in in the part you cannot post - BUT - my thought is, it doesn't come soon enough.  I'm not saying cut it.  Connect it.  You risk sounding a little cliche if you don't make a connection a little quicker.

Also - your humor is subtle but clear.  I like it.  You actually sound like a cool student who I would be interested to have in my class - I say this honestly.  Don't overshadow your wit with too many thesaurus-esque words (when I lack a good word I like to make one up).  Even as a teacher, I found myself re-reading the opening lines and asking, "Do those words appropriately compliment each other?"  Be careful of coming across too strong.  Keep things subtle and underdone if that makes sense.  I mean, you've got a line "...contemplating which one would captivate..."  I'm just trying to advise you NOT to weed out big words, but weed out unnecessary adjectives.  "...monotonous hour of unproductivity..." well, if it wasn't productive of course it was monotonous.  This just sounds a little redundant to me.  And by the way, no such word as un-productivity.  Maybe try (to keep your humor) "...hour of negative productivity..." or something like that.

Anyway - don't want to leave you on a note of criticism.  I actually think you have a clear voice and you do not sound typical (good for getting noticed).  I can also tell by this snippet of writing that you are smart (again, a plus).  Don't overdo it.  Subtlety, done well, in my opinion, is the best writing technique to master.

jenjen456 | Student

it is a college suppliment essay. It says to address it to a roomate.. and don't write about random honors.. make it seem like something you would really write to a roomate..

Thanks so much for your feedback.. i'll fix it up and try to get to the point sooner..

Thank you :)!

jenjen456 | Student