This is some of my not so good work, but i would like some feedback please. I'm sixteen by the way.
Times are changing:-
Four walls closing me in,
Trapped is a word like no other.
Life forgets true meaning,
Solitude decaying the mind,
Truth not reality, reality is for beauty.
Walking through lonely deserts,
Deserts only made of four walls.
The song looping within my mind,
Return sanity, moments are occurring,
Those moments, forgetting impossible,
Your noise is eternal, stop this music.
My pen is my freedom, free me please?
5 Answers | Add Yours
Thank you for sharing your work and inviting commentary; that's quite brave of you on several levels. This is a collection of images which have great meaning to you, I can tell. You've already gotten some good advice and suggestions, so I'll just add this. It seems to me your concept or overriding theme would be stronger if it were framed less like a list. In other words, it appears to be a list, with sometimes two images per line, separated by commas. Despite the generally more relaxed nature of poetry when it comes to punctuation, if you do use it, it must help us understand. It seems to me the use of periods occasionally to finish one thought or set of images would help us see how they're connected and leave us less confused when we move to the next picture you want to paint for us. The consistent use of commas just make it seem like a list, and I do think it's much more than that. Again, thank you for sharing, and keep writing!
There are many real interesting images present in this poem. I think that there could be a central molding of force to make these images more relevant. Obviously, there is a personal exploration present, which might preclude most commenting on content because of its subjective nature. I think that there can be some movement of images. I like the image of "Walking through lonely deserts" and this might be expanded a bit more in terms of what is experienced in such a moment. The following image of "deserts made of four walls" is also very interesting and something that can be expanded. I am not a very big fan of "life" images, such as in line 3. I think it sounds a bit on the cliched side. Can we come up with another way of expressing this? The idea of "noise eternal" should also be amplified a bit more, and not tossed in at the end. I think that you can do much here as it is a good start of very interesting imagery. Playing around with it and trying to find where the central motif is will be critical.
I would say it is quite good, especially if I bring your age into consideration. The poem has a consistency at the level of the mood. It has sincerity written all over it when it comes to communicating the mood. To see the feeling of being trapped right away at the level of the signifier ('word') is interesting. I did not like the line--"Truth not reality, reality is for beauty." I think you should be very careful about using loaded conceptual terms in a lyric because it often kills the pleasure by making the text too weighty. You should consider using more images to communicate the concepts rather than using abstractions. The image of occurring moments, a craved return to sanity and the buzzing inside the mind are well worked out towards the end.
You can also rethink the last line of the poem. It is not bad but a touch on the cliched side. All the best.
For being 16, you have some deep thoughts. As I read the poem, I get a feeling of someone searching for identity but having a difficult time getting out of the confinement that they have placed themselves in either voluntarily or by society. The feeling of being trapped is evident, but what disturbs me is the feeling of desparation that the author must feel.
In judging a pom as in judging any work of art we need to ask three basic questions : What is its central purpose ? How fully has this purpose been accomplished ? How important is this purpose ?
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