What do you think of this, opinions please?Truth?   I wonder if the torch will help me, If it will ever guide me, I wonder if it can show me the way. Mystery always misguides me, Being lost became...

What do you think of this, opinions please?

Truth?

 

I wonder if the torch will help me,

If it will ever guide me,

I wonder if it can show me the way.

Mystery always misguides me,

Being lost became my only preference,

Will I ever find my way?

Religion is corruption.

They never will know, they will always forget,

The lie will always belong with us,

They say that time will tell.

My blood is an hour glass,

My memories with the sands,

Will they ever know?

Asked on by jack159

2 Answers | Add Yours

auntlori's profile pic

Lori Steinbach | High School Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

I'm certainly not a poetry expert either, but I agree with the previous poster and have a few observations of my own.

I think you do have a poetic sensibility, as you include some more subtle elements without overusing them--such as alliteration in "Mystery always misguides me." (This is my favorite line, by the way--and I'd like it more if you left out always, which is a little hyperbolic and really not necessary to your interesting meaning.)

I thought you were off to a great metaphorical start with the idea of a torch--but then you just kept moving.  I'm thinking truth as a torch, and am mentally preparing for some comparisons.  Of course they never come.  Perhaps that's because it's not a particularly apt metaphor, perhaps that's because it's forgotten in the mix of all the other images...I'm not sure. 

One thing I do try to encourage any poetry writers to do is to use their punctuation effectively.  Not all poetry utilizes punctuation, of course, and nothing says it should.  If it's used, though, it matters.  In poetry, punctuation is even more important than in narrative writing because the images and words come so quickly and we need the punctuation to act as cues as we read.  You use it very effectively in the "Religion is corruption" line.  You make a terse, bold statement, and you end it with a period--as if to say, "That's all there is to it.  Period."

I'm always impressed when people write poetry and have the nerve both to share it and to ask for honest opinions and reactions to it.  That's brave on so many levels.  Thank you for sharing!  Keep writing. 

clairewait's profile pic

clairewait | High School Teacher | (Level 1) Educator Emeritus

Posted on

I'm not a poetry expert, and when it comes down to it, the ultimate test of so-called good poetry, is (in my opinion) do you like it, so take these thoughts with a grain of salt.

Pros:

  1. A good poem has strong images.  I like "my blood is an hour glass."  I don't really understand what it means (the image ends a bit abruptly, but I like it nevertheless).
  2. I like the strength of the line in the middle of the poem "Religion is corruption."  This is a really bold statement and an emotionless line smack in the center of your piece.  It commands attention.

That said...

Cons:

  1. Outside of the hourglass/sands, you don't have any other major images here.  In general, although I think this poetry is full of emotion, it is hard to tell exactly what, and why.
  2. The poem is somewhat dense with cliches: the title is overused.  Asking questions throughout a poem is a bit cliche.  The repetition of "they" is a cliche.

Advice:

  1. Identify the tone you wish to portray and the reason for it.  Then, build on those two things with images.  (Keep the blood and the hourglass and maybe even the torch - which is again, a bit vague here but could be really cool.)
  2. Religion is corruption - where are you going with this?  It comes out of nowhere and then hangs.  It is strong statement but the idea ends with it.
  3. I don't think poetry should be purposefully ambiguous (this is a personal preference).  Sure, most poetry comes across as ambiguous, but I don't think authors do that intentionally - and when studied correctly and thoroughly, it turns out most poetry is not actually as ambiguous as many think...
  4. Even if you are writing on a cliche subject (which is perfectly fine, consider how many poems in the world are all about love) - do something different by coming up with new ideas to describe that subject (which can certainly be an emotion).
  5. Try for raw honesty and see what happens.  Perhaps instead of using "they" just define who "they" are.  It might surprise you.

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