What can I add and do to make this poem better? I don't know how long this should be or how it should be formatted.As quick as an arrow, At night diamond-shaped eyes glisten like a beaming light....

What can I add and do to make this poem better? I don't know how long this should be or how it should be formatted.

As quick as an arrow,

At night diamond-shaped eyes glisten like a beaming light.

Aggresive like a tiger,

Staring deep into your soul.

A mysterious prowler throughtout the night.

Picking up the scent of a predator,

Slithering like a snake,

Then Pouncing like a ball.

Like a bolt of lightening,

Fur flying in the wind,

Claws as sharp as swords.

Bullets attacks her target.

 

Nestled in a blanket,

Sleeping during the day.

Treated with royalty,

Cheerful as the sun,

As cunning as a fox.

Asked on by asegrest1

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William Delaney | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

As quick as an arrow,

At night diamond-shaped eyes glisten like a beaming light.

Aggresive like a tiger,

Staring deep into your soul.

A mysterious prowler throughtout the night.

Picking up the scent of a predator,

Slithering like a snake,

Then Pouncing like a ball.

Like a bolt of lightening,

Fur flying in the wind,

Claws as sharp as swords.

Bullets attacks her target.

 

Nestled in a blanket,

Sleeping during the day.

Treated with royalty,

Cheerful as the sun,

As cunning as a fox.

 

 

I have copied your poem into the answer box for convenience in referring to it. I will offer an edited version when I have made a few comments.

You have too many similes. I think you should confine your comparison of your cat to a tiger and get rid of some of the others, which sound like platitudes, e.g., as quick as an arrow.

The best part of the poem is the contrast between the nighttime personality and the daytime personality. I suspect that the two sections should be of equal length in order to emphasize that balance and contrast. That would mean cutting out some of the first section—but it could use cutting.

You shouldn’t say anything you don’t really mean, or feel. Some of your lines sound conventional. I don’t think you should wait to the end to inform the reader that your cat’s name is Bullet or that she is a female. This should be divulged up front so that the reader can visualize her better.

At night her diamond eyes gleam,

Staring into your soul,

A shadowy prowler,

Picking up the scent--

Then pouncing

Like a bolt of lightning,

Fur ruffled by the breeze,

Claws sharp as swords.

.     .     .     .     .     . 

Nestled on a blanket,

Sleeping during the day,

Treated like royalty,

Cheerful as the sun,

Cunning as a fox.

 

That is roughly how I would suggest you edit your poem. It still doesn’t give the name of your cat or tell that she is a female. The name is probably unimportant, especially since it doesn’t sound like a female. But female cats look different from males, as you know. They are more slender and graceful. So I think the reader needs to know she is a female in order to visualize her stalking.

Looking back, I see that you say “her prey.” That’s probably sufficient. What threw me off was the cat’s name, which suggests a male. I would leave the name out altogether. But you need a title for your poem.

I did some more editing and put the “her” in the first line, leaving out “of her prey,” which should be obvious since she is picking up the scent of something.

I suggest you tinker around with this some more, if you have time, and be sincere. Avoid clichés and platitudes.

I like "diamond eyes" and "cheerful as the sun."

asegrest1's profile pic

asegrest1 | Student, Undergraduate | (Level 1) eNoter

Posted on

Revised--Hope this is better: "Eyes of a Tiger"

Nestled on a blanket,

She sleeps during the day,

When awake she expects to be rubbed.

Like a ball and chain she's always under your feet.

If you fail to obey,

Like a raging tiger she attacks.

But if you comply with her commands,

She's as cheerful as the sun.

--

It's best to stay out of sight at night.

Staring into your soul,

A shadowy prowler,

Diamond eyes glisten,

Picking up a scent--

Then pouncing,

Like a bolt of lightening,

Fur ruffled in the breeze,

claws as sharp as swords.

--

She has completed her nightly duties,

It's now time to rest,

As everyone awakes.

Laying there peacefully,

Lifting her head,

Like a princess accepting her treat.

Just like a sly fox,

She awaites her next move.

 

asegrest1's profile pic

asegrest1 | Student, Undergraduate | (Level 1) eNoter

Posted on

Title is "Bullet", supposed to describe my female cat being active at night.

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