Use your imagination to complete the story "It was a horrible day..."
(Please give me feedback about this as a narrative.)
the horribe day
it was a horrible day.i had gone to my friend party in the park with my little sister.we were have a lot of fun when all of sudden ,my sister poured all the drinks in the ground ,at first i get shook and i felt Frustrated . then i went to my sister and started to blame her .. next i left the party and i was so angry . we realized that my sister is a little child. a few minutes later ,i felt like im the guilty and i must back to the party in the end my friend call me and said to me its ok dont be upset .
fortuanately,that my friend understand the situation
1 Answer | Add Yours
As a narrative, you have done a great job of telling a short story in chronological order. The story even contains a conflict (the spilling of the drinks), which is great. You also make great use of transition words (at first, a few minutes later, fortunately). There are several mechanical mistakes. Keep in mind that you must capitalize the pronoun "I" (always), and keep your verb tense consistent. I think it is easiest to tell stories in the past tense. Take a look your paragraph without any mechanical mistakes:
The Horribe Day
It was a horrible day. I went to my friend's party in the park with my little sister. We were having a lot of fun when all of sudden, my sister poured all the drinks on the ground. At first, I got shook up and I felt frustrated. I went to my sister and started to blame her. I left the party because I was so angry. We realized that my sister is a little child. A few minutes later, I felt guilty, so I went back to the party. In the end, my friend said to me it was okay not to be upset.
Fortunately, my friend understood the situation.
Now, though this story is chronologically accurate and reads pretty well, it lacks details. You have the events of the party written down in order but it looks a little bit like a list. The assignment directs you to "use your imagination." This means, feel free to add some extras. Maybe describe more about the party and how you felt when you first arrived (this will help show the difference when you get upset with your sister). I might even suggest you go ahead and give the other characters names instead of just "my sister" and "my friend." This will allow your audience to make a more personal connection with them. Also, to expand it even further, you might try to read a one or two sentences at a time and ask, "Why?" This will help you add background information and interesting details.
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