Thoughts,criticism,changes,ide… need opinions for my short storyhis is my first short story im looking for some feedback what do you think?changes?ideas? is it any good at all???thanks in...

Thoughts,criticism,changes,ide… need opinions for my short story

his is my first short story im looking for some feedback what do you think?changes?ideas? is it any good at all???thanks in advance

 

Story's here
http://twelfgecko.livejournal.com/1429.html

Asked on by twelfgecko

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stolperia's profile pic

stolperia | (Level 1) Educator Emeritus

Posted on

As with almost any beginning writer, you learn to become better by doing exactly what you are doing here - writing and putting your work out for constructive criticism. If you can accept that criticism, learn from it, and apply the lessons to your future writing, you will get better.

As it is right now, your story has some significant problems. You can not depend on spell-check as the only method of verifying the language in your story. You have real words that are not what you intended to use ("dose" when you mean "does", "physic" when you mean "psychic"). You need to review punctuation usage.

I had problems following the conversation between Dave and Chris. Review use of indentation and paragraph format to help readers distinguish between speakers. Consider adding description of actions to help break up the dialogue and give your readers time to process what is happening. (Is Dave squirming in his seat as Chris criticizes the story? Does Chris glance in the rear view mirror, honk his horn at someone he's passing, turn on the headlights?)

You've done some nice thinking about how to establish the feel of the apartment, the relationship between Dave and Lorrie, and some of the other story development elements. Keep that aspect going, but also spend more time on mechanics. Keep writing - and good luck!

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