2 Answers | Add Yours
The first answer is correct in saying that the punctuation appear correct. The "as while" is confusing, although "while" would be acceptable. Eyes of gold color are seldom seen--especially, I would think, in a man with black hair. "Surrounded" seems wrong. His long hair would hang down on both sides of his face but would not completely surround his face. You might say "framed by long, sleek, black hair." It might not be necessary to say the hair was "long" if it surrounded or framed his whole face. But the punctuation, as the first answerer says, is fine.
I assume you are concerned about comma usage, which appears fine. the "as while" creates some confusion, however. I would omit the "as." I also like the imagery of "the harshness of his appearance," but it may echo his "harshly chiseled face" a bit too much. Try replacing one of these "harsh" words. Happy writing :)
We’ve answered 319,639 questions. We can answer yours, too.Ask a question