Is this sentence correctly punctuated?His harshly chiseled face was surrounded by long, sleek, black hair, as while brilliant eyes of gold softened the harshness of his appearance.

2 Answers

billdelaney's profile pic

William Delaney | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

The first answer is correct in saying that the punctuation appear correct. The "as while" is confusing, although "while" would be acceptable. Eyes of gold color are seldom seen--especially, I would think, in a man with black hair. "Surrounded" seems wrong. His long hair would hang down on both sides of his face but would not completely surround his face. You might say "framed by long, sleek, black hair." It might not be necessary to say the hair was "long" if it surrounded or framed his whole face. But the punctuation, as the first answerer says, is fine.

mfreddo's profile pic

mfreddo | Middle School Teacher | (Level 1) eNoter

Posted on

I assume you are concerned about comma usage, which appears fine.   the "as while" creates some confusion, however.  I would omit the "as." I also like the imagery of "the harshness of his appearance," but it may echo his "harshly chiseled face" a bit too much. Try replacing one of these "harsh" words.  Happy writing :)