Is this introduction paragraph good? If not, how can I improve it?Women throughout the history of time have been proven to be essential to our lives. Specifically in the Odyssey, the various forms...

Is this introduction paragraph good? If not, how can I improve it?

Women throughout the history of time have been proven to be essential to our lives. Specifically in the Odyssey, the various forms of women and the roles that they play are extremely vital to the story and Odysseus’ journey. Throughout the story there are three main types of women: the seductress, the goddess, and the loyal spouse. The role of the seductress is best portrayed by Calypso. Calypso entices Odysseus with sex and immortality, and does not let him go home. Athena, goddess of wisdom and womanly arts, plays the role of the goddess. Athena aids Odysseus in many different ways on his journey home. The most important role, the loyal spouse, is resembled by Penelope. Penelope is the image of steadfastness. She is always waiting and hoping for many years for Odysseus' return home. In the Odyssey by Homer, women have different roles, each of them being crucial to the story.

Asked on by mamama11

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wannam | High School Teacher | (Level 3) Educator

Posted on

This is a good start and a strong thesis.  Here are a few things I would suggest to help make your paragraph a little stronger.
1)The first sentence is very wordy.  You might try taking out some of the extra fluff.  For instance, "women throughout history have proven essential to our lives."  Many of your other sentences are a little wordy as well.  Try removing any unnecessary words and it will help your sentences flow better.
2)I'm not sure I would say "the various forms of women."  You might try shorting that sentence to "the various roles women play are extremely vital."
3)The sentence about Athena is a little redundant.  You say she is the "goddess of wisdom" who "plays the role of the goddess." 

Other than these specific things.  Make sure you proof read and try to clean up your sentences to be as concise as possible.  A strong paper gets straight to the point and gives clear examples rather than wordy extras.

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