While this is somewhat to one side of enote’s function, since you are a premium subscriber, I will try to correct your essay. This practice is called “copyediting” (not involving content or rhetoric), and a copyeditor usually follows the Chicago Manual of Style (CMS). Besides following the “rules” of grammar, the copyeditor also brings consistency to the text. In your case, the slight “corrections” I made serve to clarify some ambiguities, avoid recursive reading (starting a sentence over), and bring focus on the subject. All in all, it is a good piece of writing, with some room for stronger argumentative structures. See if your paragraphing follows good essay practices, and state your point of view a little more clearly in the first paragraph.