Can you please help with wording of this biography?Can you please help me proofread, check grammar,punctuation and spelling of the biography to make it flow with a more interesting, complex...

Can you please help with wording of this biography?

Can you please help me proofread, check grammar,punctuation and spelling of the biography to make it flow with a more interesting, complex sentence structure.

He completed Bacaloria in grade 11 and received a scholarship to study abroad and got sent out of the country to Germany [Removed for Internet security.]

Asked on by rainbow224

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booboosmoosh | High School Teacher | (Level 3) Educator Emeritus

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In general, when writing, it is best to make sure to avoid run-on sentences: while the structure of a sentence can be complex, continuing for too long creates confusion in the reader. Plan to change the syntax of your sentences, and avoid wordiness (verbosity) by adopting "word economy." (Be concise.) Additionally, avoid using the same word or words repeatedly. 

First, should it be "a/his Bacaloria?" Secondly, I would suggest that the second part of your first sentence be condensed:

...to study abroad in Germany.

In the next sentence, I would write:

After six months of learning the language, and as many months completing technical training in several factories, he was admitted to Braunschweig Technical University.

Next, tweak the syntax (word order) of the sentence a bit:

[T]he term syntax is...used to refer directly to the rules and principles that govern the sentence structure of any individual language...

Look at different uses of punctuations, such as using a colon—join the two related thoughts into one sentence:

This was especially difficult because of the language barrier: it would take two months before his communication with others became easier.

Use more editing of the syntax, as well as "word economy"—this means you should reduce the number of words without losing the meaning of the text. This is helpful in providing a smoother, "crisper" piece of writing; you will tend to avoid losing your reader's attention. Some of the structure here is good, however, I would attempt to use synonyms and avoid the repetition of the same word, which also can make the reader's mind wander. Additionally, I would question: what is the difference between "freedom of thought" and "independent thought?" Unless I'm missing the point, I would remove the first, so the section reads as follows:

Living with other classmates enabled him to overcome his sense of loneliness in his unfamiliar surroundings. Though it was a society with values he was unaccustomed to, he was young and anxious to adapt to the new environment; quickly he learned to better appreciate and respect human life, freedom of speech, and the true worth of independent thought.

For this final paragraph, edit out the prepositional phrases you begin several sentences with such as "In 1959" and "in the same year." These shorter sentences can be joined into more complex sentences. Words can be removed in this section to improve the flow of your writing. I would write:

He started at Braunschweig University in 1959, and two years later met his future wife, Inge, who he married in 1963. In the same year, he visited Denmark, Sweden and Austria. He would eventually relocate to work in Holland. He and Inge celebrated the birth of their first child, Frank, in 1965. In the same year, he completed his degree at the university, earning a Diplom Ingenieur in Mechanical Engineering.

Of course, you would also want to avoid using "he" repeatedly. At the start of each new paragraph, it is important to identify the subject of that paragraph. You can use his first name or his last name (consistently), sometimes perhaps using his entire name, and adopting "he" to avoid using his name too often. Condensing sentences will help with this.

Editing is a task that often requires more than one attempt. In fact, most writers will agree that even after editing several times, there is always something more that can be changed to make one's writing more succinct and straightforward.

Sources:

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