Given the selection below, what can be done in terms of enhancing the "flow" of the writing style?In his teenage years, at that time, they did not have a role model and all that wonderful things we...

Given the selection below, what can be done in terms of enhancing the "flow" of the writing style?

In his teenage years, at that time, they did not have a role model and all that wonderful things we have [Removed for Internet security.]

Asked on by rainbow224

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Ashley Kannan | Middle School Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

I had to edit the original question from asking multiple questions.  I think that you have a good start, but I believe that the concept of developing "flow" in a writing sample is something that is subjective.  What one considers as good "flow," another might not.  In assessing and revising any writing, one has to keep this in mind.  I would suggest that using a combination of short and potent sentences with some lengthier ones might be a way to develop flow.  I like the sentence about lacking a role model as a good opening and following that with how things have changed might be a good opening.  Then, I would focus the attention of the writing on his teenage years.  I think that the father's characterization needs to be reworked, talking about how the boy feels pressure between wanting to please his father and wanting to be something "decent."  The discussion of Anmar's embrace of biology is good, but it needs to be expanded.  I would move the last sentence to a new section because it breaks the flow of talking about the emerging struggle and conflict Anmar is facing.  Focusing on this struggle and this painful element of Anmar's adolescence might provide a good cadence or flow to the piece.

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