Please help correct my paragraphCould anyone please correct my paragraph and give me any pointers to make my paragraph stronger and more emotional?   Thank you in advance     Rainbow Nation...

Please help correct my paragraph

Could anyone please correct my paragraph and give me any pointers to make my paragraph stronger and more emotional?

 

Thank you in advance

 

 

Rainbow Nation

Comparing David Suzuki's story to Denise Chong's, only one word comes to mind; Diversity. Today, Canada is known for being a true rainbow nation. Although this was not the case serveral years ago. Many people do not realize the suffering many new Canadian immigrants or the "minorities" endured. As mentioned in David and Denise's story, they had a lust to fit in with the crowd. They couldn't go back either because of how accustomed they were to western culture. Canada at first barred immigrants but now encourages diversity. David and Denise defeated this lust because they realized the truth to being a Canadian. Canada is not a one race or an one culture nation. It does not matter if you're black, white or yellow because diversity is Canada. Anyone can claim the title of being a "canadian" as long as you are willing to accept this into your heart. Furthermore, if you appreciate diversity, then Canada may be the best place for you!

Asked on by seanprk8

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bullgatortail's profile pic

bullgatortail | High School Teacher | (Level 1) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

I have not made any wholesale changes in your paragraph because I don't believe it needed any. I primarily made some grammatical changes and am not attempting to edit any possible factual errors. Words in boldface have been changed or edited.

1.  I assume "Rainbow Nation" is your title. If it is actually a salutation, be sure to put a colon ( : ) or comma after it.

2.  I moved one sentence ("Canada at first barred immigrants...") up in the paragraph because it seems to work better.

3.  I'm not sure you need an exclamation point at the end.

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Rainbow Nation

When comparing David Suzuki's story to Denise Chong's, only one word comes to mind: diversity. Today, Canada is known for being a true rainbow nation although this was not the case serveral years ago. Many people do not realize the suffering many new Canadian immigrants or "minorities" have endured. Canada at first barred immigrants but now encourages diversity. As mentioned in David's and Denise's stories, they lusted to fit in with the crowd, and they couldn't go back because of how accustomed they were to western culture. David and Denise overcame this lust because they realized the truth to being a Canadian. Canada is not a one race or a one culture nation. It does not matter if you're black, white or yellow because diversity is Canada. Anyone can claim the title of being a "Canadian" as long as you are willing to accept this into your heart. Furthermore, if you appreciate diversity, then Canada may be the best place for you!

 

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