Question

Please give me suggestions about how to improve this review.

This show presents and makes society’s attitudes towards weight gain evident. Firstly, physical appearance is very important to most people today which lead to people becoming judgmental towards obesity without looking at the real reasons which caused people to gain weight. Even though it’s a play on words, it can be witnessed in the scene where Dick tells one of the employers of the fitness support group, “That fat loser over there helped me”. Secondly, this episode shows how society’s attitudes and behaviours are different towards men and women in terms of food and dieting. This is portrayed in the scene where Dick asks Sally if he looks fat and Sally comments, “Just be thankful, at least you’re a man, you guys can get away with it”. This proves that society puts more pressure on women to be skinny that it puts on men. The creator of ‘Moby Dick’ is therefore very aware and critical about society’s image and judgments with body image and appearances.

Accepted Answer

This portion of the essay has a clear topic sentence to open it.  I believe that, again, I would replace "Firstly" with "Initially."  I think that there might be some level of analysis about the line regarding the "fat loser."  This section of the essay might be strengthened if you are able to explain how the notion of a "fat loser" is reflective of society's attitude regarding those who are overweight.  The other essay where I think that a bit more detail is going to be needed is in the gender issue.  There is the loaded line featured about how men and women differ in terms of society's impressions of weight gain.  I think that this needs to be expanded and detailed a bit more.  It seems to me that this is a very important issue for a couple of reasons.  The first is that it directly ties into the thesis statement, or the topic sentence, in that it talks about social distinction with weight gain.  The second reason it is important is because it fully addresses how the show addresses the issue of social perception in weight gain through a gender point of view.  I think that this is important to bring out and would expand on this point, amplifying it, in order to add more indepth analysis to the paragraph.

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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this review. This show presents and makes society’s attitudes towards weight gain evident. Firstly, physical appearance is very important to most...

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