Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay about South Sea Islanders in Australian history. After being black birded and enslaved, Islanders had no chance of enduring the harsh outback environments as they signed a three year [Majority of essay removed to protect from Internet vandalism.]

Expert Answers

An illustration of the letter 'A' in a speech bubbles

Your first sentence might be clearer if broken up.  In addition, I think that you might mean that they had no choice but to endure the harsh conditions.  So, I would say “…Islanders had no choice but to endure the harsh outback environments.  They had no choice because they had signed three-year work contracts even though…”

“Those who had not died of homesickness” doesn’t quite work.  You can change it in one of two ways.  First, you could put a date in; “Those who had not died of homesickness within the first X years…”  Second, you could simply say “Those who did not die of homesickness…”  Also, remove the word “they” from this sentence.

Decide whether you are going to capitalize “kanakas” and be consistent with that throughout the essay.

Finally, I still think that you need to justify your use of the words “enslaved” and “slave labour.”  You have not made it clear that the islanders were actually slaves. 

Approved by eNotes Editorial Team
Soaring plane image

We’ll help your grades soar

Start your 48-hour free trial and unlock all the summaries, Q&A, and analyses you need to get better grades now.

  • 30,000+ book summaries
  • 20% study tools discount
  • Ad-free content
  • PDF downloads
  • 300,000+ answers
  • 5-star customer support
Start your 48-Hour Free Trial