Please give me suggestions about how to improve this memoir.“Ladies and Gentlemen, as you can probably tell, we have begun our final descent into the Brisbane airport. Currently in Brisbane,...

Please give me suggestions about how to improve this memoir.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, as you can probably tell, we have begun our final descent into the Brisbane airport. Currently in Brisbane, the winds are calm, clear skies, and 23 degrees Centigrade. We sure have enjoyed having you on board today, and hope to see you again real soon, and thanks for flying the emirates Airlines.”

I knew my dad was several miles away, waiting for us; I wondered if a year has changed much in him. We removed our luggage from the cabinet above us and made our way to the exit of the airplane. Three stewardesses stood by nodding goodbye with very sincere smiles. I couldn’t help but smile back. Seeing all the smiles was something different I wasn’t used to; from always seeing frowns, people yelling and the sideway glances. Hardly anyone took the effort to give you a charming smile back in my home country, Iraq.

Asked on by rainbow224

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Ashley Kannan | Middle School Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

I think that this is a good starting point.  I would get ride of the "as you can probably tell" because it does not ring true with what the cabin crew is required to say on landing in international flights.  Your thoughts are being presented in a fairly direct way.  If you are looking for potential areas of exploration in this section, I would play with the idea of contrasting how Iraq is both in memory, but also in the present, as your memory keeps jumping back to it.  I like the contrast of how the condition in Iraq is fundamentally different than what is being experienced in the landing of the flight.  I think that this is a fairly interesting dynamic to explore.  The calmness and tranquility of the flight seems to be different than what is present in Iraq. Perhaps, this might be a concept with which you can play around with to an extent.  I would explore this, if there is an area to explore in the narrative.  As you get your luggage down from the overhead compartments, how is this evident in your mind?  As you see what Brisbane is from the window, how is this different than Iraq?  You bring this up with the expressions of the flight attendants, and I would think that raising it earlier in different contexts might not be a bad idea in amplifying the juxtaposition in the writing.

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