Please offer suggestions as to how to improve this memoir.As we proceeded through the airport, the language English that I yet did not understand roamed around me. I only knew how to speak in...
Please offer suggestions as to how to improve this memoir.
As we proceeded through the airport, the language English that I yet did not understand roamed around me. I only knew how to speak in Arabic, and the only two English words that I could pick out from people’s conversations were the words ‘yes’ and ‘no’. Knots formed in my stomach. Out of the crowd I could spot my dad. Thoughts and questions swirled in my brain, fighting to be the first out of my mouth. He had a new set of glasses and he was slightly shorter, or it was me that grew. My family sprinted towards my dad and we all huddled. Overflowing tears blurred out my vision; we finally united. The wound inside me has finally found its healing medicine; Dad.
I think that this excerpt has much in way of promise. I really think that it captures an emotional moment of time very well. I would offer suggestions in terms of vividly bringing out the emotional experiences in multiple terms. For example, when you talk about the "Knots forming," I think that this is a good start. I would delve into this more. At that moment, when you are immersed in a setting of new language, new people, and essentially cut adrift from home, what are these emotional and psychological experiences? When you bring up the idea of "Knots," it is valid, but also cliched, to an extent. Discuss this instant more, with more specific detail. This will make the moment so much more personal. In building up this moment more, it will make the resolution of seeing Dad so much more powerful. You bring this up in the last sentence in terms of the "healing medicine." If this is the path, then I think that detailing the sickness a bit more will make the "medicine" more appreciated. I would talk about this condition more in order to make the resolution so much more powerful in its force.