Please give me suggestions about how to improve this memoir.As we settled in the car and put on our seat belts, which was something new to me, I turned down the window. The moist air tingled...
Please give me suggestions about how to improve this memoir.
As we settled in the car and put on our seat belts, which was something new to me, I turned down the window. The moist air tingled against my skin, and I breathed it in. Warm wind hit my face as we zoomed onto the highway. The roads were smooth and lined so neatly. Car lanes were organised; cars stopped when they had to, drove when it was their turn. No one seemed to break the rules; no one was pressing the horn every two seconds, no one was careless. The roads were as smooth as a bowling-green, and we swung along over the roads, up hills and down hills. The sky was the most perfect azure, without a cloud, and an atmosphere so pure. The trees wavered in the wind, leafs fluttered to the ground and blooming flowers danced in the slight breeze.
I felt as free as the wind blows, as free as the grass grows. I was looking at a world so different compared to the one I grew up in. Nothing was the same. I knew that some time would have to pass before I had a sense of belonging, but a part of me had already fallen in love with this country, Australia: a place where I can see my dreams of the future coming to pass. It is a place where danger won’t be seen in every corner I turn to.
The essay is a good start to a personal experience or reflection assignment. The main issue that I think needs work is that it seems oddly detached from actual time or place. Although you've made a good effort to use descriptive metaphors, I actually have little sense of specific place. To localize your essay, instead of talking about some generic car journey, can you think of one specific one. Where did it start? What time was it? To give a sense of a real experience, you might include a list of people in the car and where you were sitting (front seat? back?). What is the name of the road you traveled on? What model car was it? Always try to use specific rather than generic terms, i.e. rather than "trees" put the actual species.