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First, I still don't see a thesis statement or a real focus to the essay. It still reads like a random assortment of facts pulled from a Google search. You really need to decide what the point of your essay is. Why should the reader care about the topic? What are you arguing or claiming?
Next, many words are misused and there are a feww sentences which are incoherent. It seems as though you are attempting to challenge yourself to use many words which are still fairly new to you, which is indeed a good strategy for improving your working vocabulary, but here this leads to unclear or awkward language.
Finally, you should reduce your use of passive voice.
I would strongly recommend that you take advantage of whatever free tutoring your university offers (writing lab? writing centre? academic skills centre?) or talk with your professor about individual tutoring.
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