Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay.Several fonts are used throughout the magazine, including groovy, bubble, and thin and curly fonts. [Since you have several good answers,...

Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay.

Several fonts are used throughout the magazine, including groovy, bubble, and thin and curly fonts. [Since you have several good answers, I'm removing most of your essay to protect against Internet plagiarism. Staff]

Asked on by rainbow224

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kplhardison's profile pic

Karen P.L. Hardison | College Teacher | eNotes Employee

Posted on

If this is a report on the magazine, this is fine. Your information is interesting, detailed and accurate. If, however, this is an actual essay that requires a thesis and elucidating arguments, then the difficulty seen here is that there is no connection between elements you speak of: there is no reason stated for why you are enumerating these particulars. Again, though, if this is simply a report, you are doing fine with it the way it is. For an essay, though, you need explanations that show how these details relate to your thesis. Since you don't have a thesis, let's make one up (a purely silly one simply for illustration, since I know nothing about anime) and see what is lacking if this is meant to be an argument driven essay.

Let's pretend you think the font is off-putting and unattractive to readers thus endangering the profitability and success in an international market. Let's pretend you want a thesis something like this as the last sentence of your Introduction in the first paragraph: Yet the magazine is failing in America because groovy, bubble and curly fonts are off-putting to sophisticated readers who reject the appearance of the typography [Bear in mind, I am completely making this up for illustration purposes!] Now with this thesis in mind, you can see how transition words and explanatory sentences are required. You might then improve your essay (unless it is a report) something like this [hedging phrase]. [Note illustration changes in bold font; note corrections to "those" and "attempted."]:

To further enhance the magazine's appeal, several fonts are used throughout the magazine, including groovy, bubble, and thin and curly fonts. These fonts are attempts to capture the enthusiasm and the zeal of female anime readers who value sophistication and elegance. Also, the thin and curly fonts are meant to evoke femininity that many of the readers aspire to. Yet, since the magazine has misunderstood the demographic, it is some of these fonts, specifically groovy, bubble and curly, that put off sophisticated readers resulting in a 33 percent departure from projected marketing sales.

litteacher8's profile pic

litteacher8 | High School Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

I think you should make a connection between the fonts and the effect earlier. For example, you should bring out a transitional topic sentence at the beginning of the paragraph that introduces your main argument about the font and why it's used.
booboosmoosh's profile pic

booboosmoosh | High School Teacher | (Level 3) Educator Emeritus

Posted on

First paragraph: I would remove "zeal" because it is synonymous with "enthusiasm, and write...

These fonts are an attempt to capture the enthusiasm of female anime readers who value sophistication and elegance.

I like the sentence as a whole and can see how this might well be true!

In the next sentence, I would remove "Also" and replace it with "In addition..." For the remainder of the sentence, my question is "why?" You make a general statement; and while you explain your viewpoint for the first point of the paragraph, you don't provide enough information for the second point:

Also, the thin and curly fonts are used to evoke femininity that many of the readers aspire to.

Why do many readers aspire to create a sense of femininity in anime?

At the start of the second paragraph, I would revisit the first sentence:

In the magazine, there are articles about hairstyles, manga and manga authors. 

Instead, how about:

The magazine contains articles about hairstyles, magna and magna authors.

You are also assuming that your reader knows what your terminology means. You may be writing for someone who does understand "magna" and "magna authors," but I would write for an entire audience because you never know who will read your piece and want to know more. (I, for one, would be interested to know.) 

The next sentence makes an excellent point, but I think it needs to be changed: it's slightly awkward.

Interviews with famous manga authors will captivate the readers’ interest leading them to consume the product. 

I'd rewrite the last part of the sentence:

...the readers' interest, encouraging them to purchase the publication.

For the last section, I feel you do cover all of details presented in the paragraph's topic sentence, however you should use the same order in explaining the pieces of the magazine as you did in introducing them.

So, if you mention hairstyles, magna and magna authors, you should provide further information in the same order. Information about interviews with magna authors should follow hairstyles and magna. Then include the information about the authors. I might also revisit the following sentence:

Articles about quick and easy hairstyles will attract readers, as they may develop a desire to succeed in styling those hairstyles on their own hair.

I would write:

...attract readers, and they may wish to attempt those styles with their own hair.

I think this last sentence is good, but wonder if it should be included with this paragraph; this information is not mentioned in the topic sentence, as hairstyles, magna, etc., are. When you decide where to place it, I would replace "new" with "newly;" I would also substitute "attract" for "entice." In addition, what will they be "enticed" to do?

Free bonus DVDs are an exciting feature of the magazine, and new released manga chapters will entice fans who are eagerly following those particular manga series.

Your syntax (word order in sentences) is good, but you need to also maintain your focus in presenting your ideas in a logical order, and one that follows the introduction in your topic sentences (or thesis statements). Pay close attention to your organization of ideas and your focus. You have supporting information (details), and a great deal of your sentence structure is very good—showing real effort; all your writing really needs is some clarification, a little reorganization, and the inclusion of brief explanations of technical terms. (Note: should font names be capitalized??)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Syntax

http://www.enotes.com/topics/how-write-summary

http://writing.colostate.edu/guides/processes/organize/pop2a.cfm 

lentzk's profile pic

Kristen Lentz | Middle School Teacher | (Level 1) Educator Emeritus

Posted on

First paragraph: Since the previous paragraph was color analysis, perhaps use a transition to connect the color layout to the use of fonts.  Transitions will help the flow and organization of your review over this magazine.  I would add more detail about how the different fonts enhance the layout of the magazine.  Your analysis is insightful but add more depth.  I would follow up the last sentence of this paragraph by discussing the idea of femininity which you mention here and your earlier paragraph as well as how the fonts appeal to consumer behavior

Second Paragraph:  In the first sentence, see if you can reword it to omit the phrase "there are."  Avoid starting a sentence with 'there are' or 'there is' whenever possible; you would be much better served by saying "the many hairstyle articles [...] captivate the readers' interest," making your writing much more direct and making use of a more powerful verb, "captivate."  This paragraph would benefit from a topic sentence; I recommend that you use another transition word, like "Furthermore, the magazine entices readers with relevant articles and promotions..."  Finish this paragraph with a concluding sentence about how the magazine relates to readers' interests.

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