In general, the ideas and examples you use in your paper are solid. You are correct that the extent of gender-based violence in the two texts varies. However, you may want to flesh some of your ideas out a bit more by considering some of the following questions: Why does the treatment of women vary in the texts? Is this various because of the differing time periods in which they were written? Or is the variation due to the fact that Shakespeare gives an extreme example in Othello whereas Cisneros presents a more realistic scenario in her work? How might oppression threaten a woman's life even if there is no threat of physical violence? Do the two texts give any rationale for why men oppress women?
You don't necessarily have to address all of these questions, but considering use them to deepen your analysis and make your paper stronger. In other words, think of the prompt for your paper not just as "comparing the oppression of women," but rather as examining how the two texts share a similar perspective, even though the circumstances are different. Once you shore up your analysis, you could also strengthen your conclusion a bit more. A good formula for writing a conclusion is "Look back" (summarize what you said in your paper), "look forward" (explain why the content of your paper is important), and "speak from the heart" (make a statement that will resonate with your reader and leave a powerful impression).
There are also a few improvements that could be made in terms of style and mechanics. For example, one should generally avoid starting a paper by saying "in this essay I will ____________." After all, your audience knows you're writing an essay. Instead, think about how your introduction could really grab your reader's attention. Maybe you could use a quote from either text about the oppression of women or provide examples from current events. Also, when using quotes from the text, you should always have a lead-in. This means that your sentence will never start with a quote, but rather a phrase like "Cisneros narrates" or "Othello says." Otherwise, your grammar and topic sentences are quite solid, so good job with that!