Please edit my thesis!!
Can anyone help improve my thesis? If you have read the poems it woould be great if they could help me create a new thesis.
In the poems To Penshurst and the Garden, both Marvell and Jonson create their idealistic paradise one being religious the other politics
You have the beginnings of a good thesis statement, but you are right in thinking you need a bit of help with it. First let's look at some content issues and then attend to some other kinds of concerns.
"To Penshurst" is a commentary on a political arrangement, to be sure, and there is no doubt that "The Garden" is rooted in the garden of Eden. But I am not sure it is exactly "religious," and this is something you need to think about a bit more. Have a look at the enotes link below that discusses the poem first. Does the fact that Eden is the central metaphor make it a religious poem? Is there a difference between spirituality and religion? Is there a difference between Utopia and Eden? Does Marvell's Utopia incorporate only religious or spiritual elements? Think about this.
Now, let's look at some mechanical kinds of problems in your statement, so if you do revise, you won't make these errors again.
First, all poem titles, unless they are book-length, must be written with quotation marks. And all titles must have the beginninng and main words capitalized.
Second, when you are discussing two poems and two authors in one sentence, you must maintain the order for them. If you make reference to poem A and poem B, then you must make reference to author A and author B in the same order. Otherwise, the reader is hopelessly confused.
Third, a non-essential descriptive element such as the one that begins with "one" must be set off from the main part of the sentence with a comma.
Finally, when you have two "items," they must be in parallel form. ""Religious" is an adjective. "Politics" is a noun. How can you change one of these so that both are the same part of speech?