Please can anyone help me about my paragraph is true or wrong?I have a computer useful for me .My father bought it for me when I studied at institute. There were  screen , speakers, keyboard and...

Please can anyone help me about my paragraph is true or wrong?

I have a computer useful for me .My father bought it for me when I studied at institute. There were  screen , speakers, keyboard and everything was black.
I remember when I saw a computer I was very happy because I  needed it for  application my homework like C++,and visual basic.
I needed a computer to learn on it any lesson I took it at institute

Asked on by asmasaeed

12 Answers | Add Yours

wannam's profile pic

wannam | High School Teacher | (Level 3) Educator

Posted on

You may want to separate the list of items included with the computer and the fact that it was black. For instance, "It had a screen, speakers, and a keyboard. Everything was black." This might be a little clearer. Really, the color and the included items are different ideas and should be in separate sentences. You may also want to clarify another sentence by changing it to "I was very happy when I saw my computer because..." The above suggestions are also correct.
rrteacher's profile pic

rrteacher | College Teacher | (Level 2) Educator Emeritus

Posted on

In response to Post 3, in British English, omitting "the" is gramatically correct. There are lots of other areas for improvement, obviously, but I think this one, depending on the context, is actually OK.

lmetcalf's profile pic

lmetcalf | High School Teacher | (Level 3) Senior Educator

Posted on

Your sentence "I needed it for application my homework like C++, and visual basic." is very unclear. I know what homework is, but I am unclear what you are referring to in regards to the other three things in this list. You should explain a bit more specifically what you mean by applications and visual basic. You should also state what C++ is and why a computer is important to your work with it.

litteacher8's profile pic

litteacher8 | High School Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

I agree with both of the above, but I would also add that you add some more detail.  You could describe your lessons and why you needed the computer for them, and what you used the computer for while at the Institute.

pohnpei397's profile pic

pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

Also, you should not say "when I studied at institute."  It has to be "when I studied at the institute."  It might be easier to say "It had a screen, speakers..." so that it doesn't sound funny with "were" being plural and "screen" being singular.

e-martin's profile pic

e-martin | College Teacher | (Level 1) Educator Emeritus

Posted on

There are numerous ways to do some of the rephrasing that you'll need to do in order to fix your paragraph. Here are a couple ideas to get you started:

I have a computer that is useful to me.

I remember when I saw the computer I was very happy...

I needed a computer to learn on and I took it to all the lessons I took...

shakespearesworks's profile pic

shakespearesworks | eNotes Newbie

Posted on

Please can anyone help me about my paragraph is true or wrong?

I have a computer useful for me .My father bought it for me when I studied at institute. There were  screen , speakers, keyboard and everything was black.
I remember when I saw a computer I was very happy because I  needed it for  application my homework like C++,and visual basic.
I needed a computer to learn on it any lesson I took it at institute

True, no doubt!

wanderista's profile pic

wanderista | Student, Grade 11 | (Level 2) Valedictorian

Posted on

An even better paragraph:

I have a computer that is useful to me. My father bought it for me when I was studying in an institute. On my new black computer, there was a screen, with speakers and a keyboard. I remember when I saw my new computer I was very happy, as I needed it to do my homework and to take notes on it at any course I took it in the institute I was studying at.

mikeishere's profile pic

mikeishere | Student, Grade 10 | eNotes Newbie

Posted on

Your paragraph sucks go back to school! lol no it's ok just take some advice from everyone else

wanderista's profile pic

wanderista | Student, Grade 11 | (Level 2) Valedictorian

Posted on

An even better paragraph;

I have a computer that is useful to me. My father bought it for me when I studying in an institute. On my new black computer, there was a screen, with speakers and a keyboard. I remember when I saw my new computer I was very happy, as I needed it to do my homework. I needed this computer to take notes on it at any course I took it in the institute.

wanderista's profile pic

wanderista | Student, Grade 11 | (Level 2) Valedictorian

Posted on

I have a computer that is useful to me. My father bought it for me when I studying at an institute. On my black computer, there was a screen , with additional speakers and a keyboard. I remember when I saw my new computer I was very happy, as I needed it to do my homework. I needed this computer to take notes on it at any course I took it at the institute.

This is an example of what your paragraph should look like. Consider reviewing basic sentence structuring and taking a look at nouns, verbs, adjectives and adverbs, to learn their application in English.

asmasaeed's profile pic

asmasaeed | Student, Undergraduate | (Level 1) eNoter

Posted on

Thank you for help me
The paragraph within "Tpoic sentence,supporting sentence, and concluding sentence

 

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