Need Help rewriting my Sonnet - Already written just help revise!?Okay so I have to write a 16-line Love Sonnet for my English class, but I could not think of anything more to add to it.. as of now...

Need Help rewriting my Sonnet - Already written just help revise!?

Okay so I have to write a 16-line Love Sonnet for my English class, but I could not think of anything more to add to it.. as of now it's just a 14-line sonnet.. so can anyone please add to it? you may revise some parts if you wish :D  thanks!

 

One day, when life is past, and I depart
And I no longer linger at your side,
When time and space and fate hold us apart,
May I still in your heart of hearts reside.
But while I walk on earth I hope to stay
Forever in your thoughts and your embrace;
And when from mortal life I walk away
May I imagine sadness in your face.
What better testimony to our love
Could e'er exist than sweet remembrance dear?
If I yet yearn for you when I'm above
I'll not be lost because your love is near.
Your love, my love, redeems me utterly,
For here and now, and for eternity.

2 Answers | Add Yours

mwestwood's profile pic

mwestwood | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

It is perplexing that your assignment is to write a sixteen-line sonnet since by definition either a Petrachan sonnet or a Shakespearean sonnet is a fourteen-line lyric poem.  Since the rhyme scheme is abbaabba cdcdcd, it is apparent that yours is not a Petrarchan sonnet; rather it is a Shakespearean sonnet which has the rhyme scheme abba cdcd efef gg.

Perhaps you may wish to punctuate the two lines that begin with "May I...with question marks.  If you must write sixteen lines, then the last two must be the rhyming couplet.  Expand upon the love being near to extend the sonnet another two lines.  Start with "Near to my soul in its ____/Near to my soul in ____ Maybe?  Of course, you need to have the iambic pentameter.

demonic790's profile pic

demonic790 | Student, Grade 11 | (Level 3) eNoter

Posted on

Indeed, a fantastic poem.  Definititely seeing some spark in your literary abilities. 

For the first line:

''One day, when life is past, and I depart''

I depart should be we depart.  You're talking about a specific person, and the love that you share for one another.  You will both depart, not just you. 

 ''Could e'er exist than sweet remembrance dear''

There should be a comma before dear because you're speaking to someone. 

As for the adding, you could try to add a few more emotions to the early verses.  Perhaps trying to keep the person strong? 

Here's something I came up with:

 

 

One day, when life is past, and we depart
And I no longer linger at your side,
When time and space and fate hold us apart,
May I still in your heart of hearts reside.
But while I walk on earth I hope to stay
Forever in your thoughts and your embrace;
And when from mortal life I walk away
May I imagine sadness in your face.
And though I lay in these clouds high above

Remember that I am here.

Would you scream the testimony of our love

In sweet remembrance, my dear? 

If I yet yearn for you when I'm above
I'll not be lost because your love is near.
Your love redeems me utterly,
For here and now, and for eternity. 

Just a few corrections, and two extra lines.

Hope this helped.

Good luck!

 

 

 

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