In order to complete my National Honor Society application, I need to write an essay in which I identify a need in my community and discuss a service project that NHS could do to help that need. So far, this is my starter for my essay. I would appreciate any feedback. Thanks!
On your long Christmas lists of toys, electronics, clothes, or money, did any of you ask for a nice warm meal to relieve your hunger or even a cozy bed to sleep in? For the majority of us, the thought of a warm meal and comfortable bed does not even cross our minds because we are quite fortunate to already own these simple necessities. However, we tend to take these things for granted every day and remain oblivious to the hundreds of people throughout our community who are not as fortunate as the rest of us. Homelessness has always been one of Milwaukee’s most preeminent issues.
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Looks like a great start to your essay, it appears you have chosen a topic you are passionate about, which makes it easier to write about. Make certain that within your essay you clearly discuss what you are doing for your service project.
The use of second person in essay writing is usually discouraged. In lieu of this, use first person if writing about personal experiences or third person if writing objectively.l Perhaps the first line could look something like this:
How many people want for a warm meal or a cozy bed at Christmastime? After all, these tow condition are often taken for granted. [objectivity]
Few of us have wanted for a warm meal or a cozy bed at Christmastime. But, for many these two conditions cannot exist unless someone can help.
Writing in third person is best for any argument that is desired. For, third person lends objectivity to the writing.
This sounds pretty good. Just two little quibbles from my perspective.
First, I don't think that the "however" in "However, we tend to take these things for granted..." should be there because it does not really offer a contrast with the previous sentence. I would remove that word, or use the word instead.
Second, I'm not sure I like "preeminent" in the last sentence. To me, the connotation of that word is more positive than you'd want. I'd go with "most pressing."
As I say, though, these are both quibbles. Overall, this looks pretty strong to me.
Thank u very much for your input. :)
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