How can I fix my paragraph?I travelled to Hadramoot for two years ago. It was journey very amazing and full of nice memories. we went to many trips .I remember the trip that we went to a swimming...

How can I fix my paragraph?

I travelled to Hadramoot for two years ago. It was journey very amazing and full of nice memories. we went to many trips .I remember the trip that we went to a swimming pool my family and me got up at 6:00 am we took water and make breakfast then we went there .when we arrived, we started to had breakfast . then every the girls and me swam in swimming pool. suddenly,the girls saw a frog in swimming pool, so the girls screamed and my cousin took it to the girls . when she came to me. I scared and ran then slipped, the blood went out from my head ,my family stood up then they run to me,but I stood up .my sister went out to buy bandage after that she put it on my head but we didn't stopping and we carried on swimming, playing and dancing. when I remember my travelling to my city I smile

Asked on by asmasaeed

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mwestwood's profile pic

mwestwood | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

It seems that English is a second language for you.  Is this correct? So, you have some confusion about organization, transitional words, and general grammar.

  • Grammar:  me is an objective pronoun.  Do not use it as a subject.  e.g.  "...my family and me got up at 6:00a.m." should be My family and I got up ....
  • Be sure to use the articles a, an, some or the  e.g. It was an amazing journey. (put adjectives before nouns in English)
  • Sentence structure:  When writing about a trip, use the Past Tense throughout.  e.g. We drank some water and packed a breakfast to take to the swimming pool.  Once there*, we ate, and, afterwards, the girls and I swam in the pool. However, when a frog appeared in the water, the girls screamed when my cousin showed it to them.  Then, not knowing what was happening, I was, in turn, startled by their screams; racing from the pool, I hit my head....

[Use transitional words such as then, and vary the beginning of sentences by starting with adverbs* or phrases rather than the subject every time.

litteacher8's profile pic

litteacher8 | High School Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

You have a lot of run on sentences. Remember, one subject and one verb. Try this:

I travelled to Hadramoot two years ago. The journey was very amazing and full of nice memories. Ww went on many trips. I remember the trip when we went to a swimming pool. My family and I got up at 6:00 am. We drank water and made breakfast. Then we went there.

You also repeat information. You have a lot of detail, but in the wrong places. What did you make for breakfast? Who were the other peope with you? Why did you go there? You will make it more interesting with detail in the right places.

rrteacher's profile pic

rrteacher | College Teacher | (Level 2) Educator Emeritus

Posted on

Again, there are a number of grammatical and punctuation (though few spelling) errors in the paragraph. Make sure that you begin each sentence with a capital letter, that you use proper verb tense "my family ran to me" instead of "my family run to me," and that you include articles in front of nouns (like "the swimming pool" or "buy a bandage.")  

pohnpei397's profile pic

pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

There are quite a few little mistakes in this paragraph.  For example, you write the following sentences:

 It was journey very amazing and full of nice memories. we went to many trips.

It should be something like: The journey was very amazing and full of nice memories.  We went on many trips.


 

asmasaeed's profile pic

asmasaeed | Student, Undergraduate | (Level 1) eNoter

Posted on

Yes,English is a second language for me.

Thank you for helping me

lnj100's profile pic

lnj100 | Student, Grade 10 | (Level 1) Valedictorian

Posted on

You have some mistakes as in Grammar, Puctuation, Speling And another but little things. But It Sounds Just Good.

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