May I get help correcting or evaluating this essay for MIT admissions?
What attribute of your personality are you most proud of?
To me, effective leadership is a combination of ability in giving direction, control over emotion, advanced vision, strategy sharing & influence over others. I am lucky to get opportunities to develop this virtue in me. I consider “effective leadership” as the attribute of my personality I am most proud of.
From when I was in 1st grade, I started cooking myself as a person who can give directions & speak over others in completing group tasks. This practice kindled an enthusiasm on my mind & now I am not feared of telling before a huge number of people now.
Having a control over emotion is not an easy chore. In 2008, I got myself as the captain of the cultural team of Bangladesh sent to Italy. All 8 members of our team led 15 days without their family & being emotional is not abnormal in this context. I luckily found myself not as an emotional but as a supportive guy for the others. Even now I don’t become emotional in a tough state. And trying to understand one’s feeling now influences me to be commiserated.
Being a president, I led my school’s debating club arranging an inter-university championship that was organized ever first by a secondary school in Bangladesh! Right away, I can fix my vision to be in the best university in the world with a big amount of courage.
There are several grammatical errors in your paper and fixing them will certainly improve your essay. Looking at your first paragraph as our example, one of you biggest problems is using the wrong preposition.
For instance, in your phrase "ability in," in is a preposition that refers to location. For example, you can say "The cheese is in the fridge." In contrast, the preposition to is the preposition that indicates movement or action, as in the action of giving. So you really mean to say "the ability to give."
Another problem with your writing is that writers always need to create parallelism within the different clauses or phrases of their sentences. A writer creates parallelism by using the same verb tense and word order. For example, you have (or will have) "ability to give direction" in the first clause of your sentence, and can match that to your second phrase, after the comma, by changing it to "to control emotion." So you will create parallelism by changing your phrases between the commas to:
to give direction
to control emotion
to see in advance
to share strategies and
to influence others
Make these changes and each of your phrases will be exactly parallel.
Finally, another preposition you used wrongly in your first paragraph is as, in "as the attribute." The word as is a preposition that means like. What you really mean to say is "I consider 'effective leadership' to be the attribute...."
Following some of this advice should help you with editing the rest of this paper.
I have taken the liberty of correcting your essay for grammar and word choice. I believe that I was careful not to alter the meaning(s) you are trying to convey in your paper. My desire is not to offend, only to assist. I hope that you will find this assistance helpful.
Effective leadership is a combination of the ability to guide and support individuals and teams, to exercise control over one’s emotions, demonstrate visionary and innovative thinking, share strategies in collaboration, as well as influence and motivate others. I feel fortunate to have ample opportunities to develop this virtue within myself. As president, I led my school’s debating club, arranging an inter-university championship that was organized for the first time by a secondary school in Bangladesh! Subsequent to that great accomplishment, I was able to envision myself attending the world’s most prestigious university.
Demonstrating effective leadership is one of my most prized attributes. I believe another gift of mine is a great degree of intrinsic motivation. I am able to assist in motivating others through this gift, by sharing strategies and giving compliments and words of encouragement. I share my motto and mantra with all who will listen, encouraging myself and others to “Just do it!”
I see myself as a natural leader. From the time I was in the first grade, I exhibited leadership potential, as evidenced by my ability to articulate well and give directions during group activities, in addition to a natural proclivity for public speaking, which often requires control over one’s anxiety and/or fears. Having control over one’s emotions is not always a simple task. In 2008, I was sent from Bangladesh, to Italy with my school’s cultural team (of which I was Captain). Each of the eight members of the team endured fifteen days without their families. It was quite an emotional time for most of the team. I found myself taking the lead again, this time as an emotional support for the team. I exercise empathy quite often, which helps me to understand the feelings of others. In that way, I am able to help others through difficult times.
- You will need to add an appropriate concluding paragraph or statement - one that reiterates your main points in summary form.
-Well wishes in your endeavors.
* the rest of the essay is here: Sharing strategies & giving compliment are the best twos of my intrigue. So, I never forget rewarding even a street child when he does a thing of receiving applause. My life has become the aggregation of these tones of leadership. Therefore, I start everything with a force in my mind that orders me, “Just do it!”