Can you evaluate this informative essay on AIDS?
This informative essay on HIV and AIDS is off to a good start. The length and level of detail both look very good to me. If you have the time and the opportunity, though, I would encourage you to think about how you might improve the essay in five areas:
1. The thesis is not yet clearly presented. The first paragraph names the topic (AIDS) and raises a great point (“it is one of the world’s most well known diseases and most feared”) that could help you develop a clear thesis statement. Perhaps you could make clear to the reader of your essay that AIDS is so greatly feared not simply because we have no cure and just about anyone can become infected. It’s also greatly feared because, even after several decades of informational campaigns, many people still do not understand the causes of the disease of AIDS and the ways in which risks of becoming infected with HIV can be minimized. You can explain that we need to be educated about HIV and AIDS again and again, and your essay can help by educating the reader.
2. Sources must be used correctly. You cannot simply copy-and-paste text from the internet into your essay. If you use someone else’s words or ideas, you must identify (or “cite”) that source in your essay. You should not simply change a word here and there and then pretend that the borrowed material is yours. For example, your essay includes this sentence: “The earliest symptoms of HIV can look like the flu and they mostly clear up within a month or two.” The online sourcehttp://www.everydayhealth.com/hiv-aids/effects-of-hiv-on-body.aspx contains a nearly identical sentence: “The earliest symptoms of HIV can resemble the flu and they generally clear up within a month or two.” Simply changing “resemble” to “look like” is not enough. You must use your own words or put the borrowed words inside quotation marks. Also, unless told by your teacher that you don’t need to do so, you must also list all of your sources at the end of your essay, in a list called “References,” “Sources,” “Works Cited,” or something similar.
3. Some of the sentences contain significant problems in grammar and style. Every sentence must read clearly. I recommend that you read each sentence slowly, in isolation, to make sure that the sentence is complete and is as well crafted as you can make it.
4. Maintain the distinction between HIV and AIDS throughout your essay. The following sentences show an example of the two terms becoming confused in your essay: “The child to be born is thus passed the virus fro his mother. Another way of transmitting aids virus is through an HIV mother breastfeeding her child.so aids can be passed on to the child before or after birth.” These sentences might be rewritten in this manner: “The virus can be passed from the mother to the unborn child. Another way of transmitting HIV is through an HIV-positive mother breastfeeding her child. In other words, HIV can be passed from mother to child before or after birth.” [The virus can also be passed during birth, I think, but I’m not entirely sure.]
5. The essay doesn’t yet have a clear conclusion. You may want to add a brief concluding paragraph in which you talk again about the need for ongoing education about HIV and AIDS.
I hope that these comments are helpful. Please post here if you have questions for me or the other editors! Good luck!
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