How can I make this topic sentence better? "With dedication and determination, change can occur...."  

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I would advise against using this sentence or anything similar to it. First of all, change occurs with or without dedication or determination. Secondly, your subject noun is "change," not some human agent effecting change. Frankly, it's a meaningless sentence.

Your paper will, in its entirety, support a thesis and it might be a good idea to narrow the focus of this thesis. Supporting an airy, nebulous thesis could become a very laborious process. I would suggest something specific and a little audacious.

"Edgar Rice Burroughs owed everything to Rousseau--and nothing to Kipling." "Shakespeare was the primary author of the King James Version Bible." "James Michener and John Barth weren't just neighbors; they were the same person!" The narrower your focus is, the easier it will be to support it. And the more audacious it is, the more interested your audience will be in reading about it. Right now you need work on both your focus and audaciousness.

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