How can I make this funny story better? Please correct any spelling mistakes, words, etc.This is embarrassing story of my mom when she was younger. It was when she had her first boyfriend and her...

How can I make this funny story better?

Please correct any spelling mistakes, words, etc.

This is embarrassing story of my mom when she was younger. It was when she had her first boyfriend and her first invitation to meet her boyfriend’s family. My mom was very shy; she really prepared herself for this moment. They invited her to eat dinner with them. Everything was turning out perfect. She was doing a great job. All the family gathered around in the living room and started telling jokes. My mom thought of this famous joke at the time. When it was her turn she went “Ok. Once a man who didn’t have a finger went to a grocery store, he grabbed a fruit and asked the seller ’What’s the cost of this fruit’” and the seller answered “’No, no if you already put your finger in the fruit you have to buy it’” Nobody laughed, except for the father of her boyfriend and her boyfriend. My mom was shocked; she didn’t know what she had done wrong. My mom stood up and went to the balcony with her boyfriend. My mom asked her boyfriend “Hey, what did I do wrong? Why didn’t anyone laugh huh? “ Her boyfriend said “ Oh Narda, the thing is that my dad lost his finger in his workplace two years ago. My mom was so embarrassed, when she went out of the balcony she didn’t want to look at the father of her boyfriend. The father of her boyfriend smiled at her and my mom was super red from embarrassment.

1 Answer | Add Yours

mizzwillie's profile pic

mizzwillie | Middle School Teacher | (Level 1) Senior Educator

Posted on

First of all, you need to read your story aloud which should help you hear the missing words such as the "an" which belongs after "is" in the first sentence.  Too many of your sentences start with pronouns which give you no power, and so many short sentences could be combined into one better sentence.  Vary the length of your sentences, and do more "show not tell".  For example, how was your mother doing a great job?  Was she smiling, eating with the correct fork, not spilling her food?  Set this up with more pictures of what was happening before the joke.  Who else was there at the table as you say only the two people laughed?  Did she say anything before going out onto the balcony?  Remember, when you write a story for effect, you can embellish a little for dramatic effect.  Decide which details would help create a build-up to the climax of the story and then use them.

We’ve answered 318,988 questions. We can answer yours, too.

Ask a question