I need a critique for this introduction.
The Validity of Execution as a Punishment
"Every dead has its consequence. If wrongdoing is not faced with punishment, then there is no motive for people not to commit it. If criminals were not punished properly, then they would be even encouraged to repeat these crimes. In Egypt, although it is claimed that some kinds of punishment like execution are brutal, these are crucial as in many cases it is the only deterrent that makes anyone thinks twice before committing crimes."
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You need to decide if this is a philosophical piece on the right of society to use execution as a punishment or if this is a research piece about countries that use execution as a punishment. You say that statistics say this or statistics say that but you offer no proof nor do you offer a comparison before vs after the use of executions to prove your point that execution as a punishment in Egypt actually is an effective deterrent. I would ask you, as a teacher, how do you know these things? and did you consider whether the rates of the crime are simply low in that culture or country. I would also ask you to talk about the means of execution. Is it public? what kinds of crimes is it used to deter and you talk about people then being able to get out of jail and co-exist in society when the reality is is that rates of recidivism are very high for violent criminals.
If this is to be a factual essay, then this essay needs to be reorganized in such a way that you introduce the purpose of execution in the selected country and posit a question as to its effectiveness. Talk about the rates of crimes, show statistics from before and after the law was enacted. Then do a comparison with crime rates in other like countries that may or may not have the death penalty and talk about the results there both before and after the countries enacted executions as lawful punishment.
If this is a philosophical piece, then you have much more freedom to talk about whether it is effective, sends the right message, i.e. whats the difference between individual murder that the murderer thinks is warranted vs. state sanctioned execution that the state believes is warranted.
As you re-write it you need to figure out the goal of your essay. It is never a good idea to mix God with statistics. :)
Your thesis is clear - punishment is needed. However, you have only one supporting argument, namely, punishment is a deterrent, but you have nothing else. So, you have to ask yourself, what other reasons are there to support your thesis that punishment is needed. More importantly, you need to realize that many people will disagree with you. Do you know why these people will disagree? Are their arguments strong? To make a solid argument, you need to show that you are aware of the issues and address them in a satisfactory way. If you do not address your critics, then you will never be taken seriously.
I thought your question means that this is your intro to an essay and you want us to critique it. So hopefully between me and the first answer, one of us will be right...
I'll go sentence by sentence:
- You should say "death," not dead.
- "Faced" seems awkward to me. I'd say "answered." I'd take out "then" and I would replace "it" with "such acts."
- Either take out "even" or put it before "be." I would say "their" instead of "these."
- Assuming you are talking only about execution here, I would rewrite the last sentence like this: Although some in Egypt claim that execution is brutal, it is necessary as in many cases it is..." Also, I would use "some criminals" rather than "anyone." No matter which of those you use, "thinks" is wrong and should be "think."
Good luck with this...
If I understand your query correctly, you are seeking analysis on the validity of capital punishment. The quotation points to the deterrent nature of the death penalty. Essentially, it suggests that the fear of death would reduce criminal activity. I think that there could be much in the way of evidence and analysis to mitigate this point. Some would argue that the irrationality and lack of psychological coherency which causes individuals to commit crime precludes them from appreciating the consequence of death as a realistic end of their actions. Interestingly in the quotation, it discusses the "brutal" nature of Egyptian punishments. This would be another element used to critique the death penalty. Namely, it is quite brutal in terms of taking a life, a totalizing end in its own right. Essentially, in a setting where an accused person's life is taken, there can be no mistake of any kind because the end result is one where finality is reached. The brutality of both the punishment and the fact that the justice system, the execution of it, might have flaws in it whereby an innocent person could be executed could raise some doubt in the system of capital punishment.
thanks very much for your instant answer Mr.akannan,
but I rather was inquiring why my essay is bad? my teacher always gives me low grades in the essay and I think that the problem is not with my ideas as my English course is quite low.
I have already made the essay, and I am making now the re-write. Thanks.
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