Help is needed with revising this essay I wrote into two unified, coherent, five-sentence paragraphs.  Be sure I have used pronouns, repetition to create coherence. There is a huge dragon bearing...

Help is needed with revising this essay I wrote into two unified, coherent, five-sentence paragraphs.  Be sure I have used pronouns, repetition to create coherence.

There is a huge dragon bearing down onto the city.  His odor of onions can be smelled miles away.  His firey breath of flames can be seen from miles away.  His color of gray blends into the tall buildings.  His walking can be felt as if an earthquake is happening.

I ask myself is this dragon going to be a threat?  I don't see him eating people.  I don't see him stepping on cars.  I don't see his fiery breath starting a fire in the city.  I think I see a lonely dragon looking for a place he can call home.

The first paragraph I was suppose to describe what a dragon would look like and the second paragraph I am suppose to describe his personality.

 

Asked on by marley112

2 Answers | Add Yours

akannan's profile pic

Ashley Kannan | Middle School Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

As with all writing, you will have to shoulder the burden yourself.  Insight and advice can be offered, but I think that you are going to have to make the final decision as to how your writing can be enhanced.  It seems to me that the tough part is over because you have two paragraphs, each accomplishing their intended purpose.  You now need to refine what is there into the craft of writing.

In the first paragraph, some transitions would assist you and being able to employ pronouns in this process could create coherency in your paragraph. For example, I would suggest:

What the dragon looks like: There is a huge dragon bearing down onto the city, and his odor of onions can be smelled miles away.  His fiery breath of flames can be seen from miles away, while his color of gray blends into the tall buildings.  As he walks, it can be felt as if an earthquake is happening.

The use of commas to combine sentences helps to create a sense of coherency and tightness in the paragraph.  Combining sentences such as the first and second as well as the third and fourth makes for a coherent description of the dragon.  The final sentence can begin with the idea of the dragon walking to convey its immensity and impressive condition.  I think that you end up having a coherent paragraph with transitions and combining sentences through commas.

This same idea can be applied in the second paragraph, as can be seen in the description of the dragon's personality:

I ask myself is this dragon going to be a threat?  As I watch him blend into the tall buildings,  I don't see him eating people or stepping on cars.  I don't see his fiery breath starting a fire in the city.  Rather,  I think I see a lonely dragon looking for a place he can call home.

You have a really nice contrast from the first paragraph here. The inclusion of your voice is important, which is why I think that opening the second sentence with what you see going on at that moment is important.  Contrasting all of this with the last sentence with "Rather" helps to establish this emotional condition of personality.  

Sources:
billdelaney's profile pic

William Delaney | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

The correct spelling is fiery, not firey. This is a common mistake. To say "his fiery breath of flames" is redundant. You could say "his flaming breath." You should either say "his gray coloration" or "his gray skin" or perhaps "his gray scales" rather than "his color of gray." You should say something like "his footsteps" rather than "his walking." Or "his heavy footsteps." It would be better to say "as if an earthquake is occurring" rather than "as if an earthquake is happening."

In the second paragraph you should write: 

I ask myself, "Is this dragon going to be a threat?"

You ought to say: 

I don't see his fiery breath starting a fire anywhere in the city.

Maybe I am just repeating what was said in the first answer. Just for the heck of it, why don't you make this a lady dragon? Might make her seem more unique. Too many male dragons around these days.

We’ve answered 318,914 questions. We can answer yours, too.

Ask a question