Help me fix the poem I've written.food,fun,money,hugs we have it all but want more our life is full of luxuries hunger,thirst,death,alone they have nothing no home,no clothes but thankful for all...

Help me fix the poem I've written.

food,fun,money,hugs

we have it all but want more

our life is full of luxuries

hunger,thirst,death,alone

they have nothing

no home,no clothes

but thankful for all

It hurts for me to see

all these kids infront of me

knowing something could be done

yet no-one cares and these innocent lives are gone

action can be done yet risks grow closer

i loathe to view these poor people

i hate knowing the pain they go through

its too upsettingone crisis over another

its never ending

 

 

 

2 Answers | Add Yours

Top Answer

mizzwillie's profile pic

mizzwillie | Middle School Teacher | (Level 1) Senior Educator

Posted on

I assume this poem is yours for a class assignment?  If it is for yourself or for an assignment, think about your purpose and what you want your readers to think about.  Your poem does a good surface job of talking about poverty and the contrast in this country between the wealthy and the poor.  As a teacher, I would ask you to dig deeper.  How do you really feel when someone poor and dressed in rags approaches you and asks for money?  Are you appalled by the smell?  Do you wish they would disappear so that you don't have to deal with them?  Do you consider this is a situation of us and "them"?  Use imagery to help your poem so that the pictures in your mind become visible in the reader's mind.  Where are the literary devices like simile or personification to create images?  DIG into yourself, and you will find what you need to make this better as you have a good start.

Sources:

We’ve answered 318,994 questions. We can answer yours, too.

Ask a question