I need to write short poems as my personal project. I am a bit uncertain of its grammar use.  I would appreciate it if you could take a look at what I wrote below and offer feedback....

I need to write short poems as my personal project. I am a bit uncertain of its grammar use.  I would appreciate it if you could take a look at what I wrote below and offer feedback.

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Standing quietly among trees, I feel being watched by someone.

Enveloped, Nostalgic. a little scary.

When I lay my hand on a tree trunk, it feels as if it lets me touch.

The highest point of a tree, the sun shines through it. There may be a totally different world beyond the tree.

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Regards,

Shin

3 Answers | Add Yours

akannan's profile pic

Ashley Kannan | Middle School Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

The beauty about this site is that different people can offer you enough insight so that your work experience improvement. In terms of what I can offer, I think that you have a very solid and good poem.  As with all poetry, I think that I can offer some potential suggestions that might enhance your poem.

In any poem, grammar might take a secondary role to the overall feel of the poem.  This is where my suggestions lie.  The grammar is fine.  Yet, I think that there are some points in which you can play with language a bit and make your writing more vivid.  For example, your first line is a very good opening to a poem.  It places the reader in the midst of a natural setting where much can be reflected upon and allows the reader to "feel" the situation.  I like the "Standing quietly among trees" part.  Maybe, you can enhance it in the second part of the first line.  Instead of "I feel being watched by someone," perhaps you can try, "someone is watching me."  It might help you because the verb tense of the first part of the sentence is now matched with the second part of the sentence.  In doing this, you establish an "eternal present tense."  Changing the second part of the first sentence continues the verb tense already established.

I like your second line, as well.  It makes the reader get into the mindset of the speaker.  The only suggestion I can offer is, "Enveloped by Nostalgia, I feel scared."  The "enveloped" part is strong, but if you indicate that you are feeling enveloped by nostalgia, it allows the reader to get into the mindset of the speaker.  Perhaps, it's the nostalgia that is watching the speaker from the first line.  In slightly rewording the second sentence, it flows better with the first.

The third line of the poem is fine.  I think that you might need to rethink its placement.  Seeing that your first two lines establish a particular idea, how can this be enhanced in the third line.  Grammatically, I think it's fine.  I like the image, but I think that you might need to think about what purpose you wish in placing it in the poem and how you can make it connect more to the first two lines.  This brings us to the closing, where I think that some reworking could be present.  The original line is :

The highest point of a tree, the sun shines through it. There may be a totally different world beyond the tree.

It might work better if there is something such as, "Seeing the sun, shining through the highest point of a tree, a totally different world lies beyond."  You can rework it as you see fit, but I think that there needs to be some rewording in the last sentence and playing around with verb tense and language.  There is much in that last sentence which captures the poetic sensibilities that are needed.  Yet, I think that being able to change some of the elements in the last line might help you achieve a unified and very strong poem.  The start is there, and some reworking can truly make a unique and insightful poem.

Sources:
mwestwood's profile pic

mwestwood | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

Have you considered writing Japanese Haikus which are three lines of 5 syllables/7 syllables/5 syllables?   Or a Tanka which is five lines of  5,7,5,7, 7 syllables? Both these poems have themes to them

You could change your poem into a Tanka as it has the theme of the solace and promise of trees. First of all, it may be better to rearrange some of the phrases. See what you think of this:

Standing quietly among trees,
I feel enveloped in their nostalgia,
And, yet, it is as though someone
Watches--a little scary.
But, when I lay my hand on a tree trunk,
It lets me touch where the sun lands upon it.
Above I see there may be a different world
Beyond these tender trees. 

There is great imagination and insight in your verse; just arrange your lines so that ideas follow one another and connect. I have only provided one way to do this.

Here is a Tanka of 5, 7,5,7,7 syllables.

Trees stand here mutely,
Wrapping me in nostalgia.
I feel watched;
I lay my hand on a branch,
Above which lays a
Different, tender world.

Sources:
eli468's profile pic

eli468 | Student, Undergraduate | (Level 1) Valedictorian

Posted on

In terms of grammar, rather than tips to make it sound more poetic (since those above did an amazing job) I will offer my insight on simply taking your poem and filling in a few words that seems missing. (Most are purely suggestions, but there are a few words that do need to be added.)

The first line : Standing quietly among trees, I feel being watched by someone

You could insert "the" inbetween among and trees. I would recommend adding," as if I'm," between feel and being.

--> Standing quietly among the trees, I feel as if I'm being watched by someone.

Second line: Enveloped, Nostalgic. A little scary

This one is fine grammatically. Poetically, it could be played with a little more.

Third line: When I lay my hand on a tree trunk, it feels as if it lets me touch

There needs to be something added after touch. You can put "it." Not very poetic, however you need to refer to what you are touching. This is grammatically incorrect as of right now.

Last line: The highest point of a tree, the sun shines through it. There may be a totally different world beyond the tree.

This one has no grammatical errors, but once again could be phrased differently to create a stronger poem.

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