Writing is hard work, bllood. You spend a lot of time and effort on trying to make it as good as it can be only to have a teacher bleed red pen all over it. I've been there. I once had a college professor write "pray for inspiration" on a paper of mine. That was it. The only comment. I know it can be difficult to take criticism on writing, but I also know that writing gets better with honest feedback. So, here goes.
One of my general thoughts on this piece of writing is that you shouldn't copy and paste word for word what I wrote earlier in an enotes post. The big reason is plagiarism. Another reason is that it is clear that you copy and pasted from another author.
"I'm sure a case could be made for Piggy being a hero, but your question says to explain why he is not a hero."
That's from my response earlier today. As is most of that paragraph. But the above sentence clearly signals a break in voice. There are several other locations scattered throughout your piece where this happens. A simple Google search using sentences from this piece will lead a reader to the enotes source post. If not Google, then turnitin.com or grammarly.com will do the same thing.
Another general thought is that the body of this piece does not prove the thesis. In fact, the body does the opposite. The thesis statement (which needs to be moved to the last sentence of the first paragraph) claims that Piggy IS a hero because of his vulnerability, his focus on civilization, and his death. No problem there. I think it's a solid idea for a thesis, and one that is easily supported. The problem is that far too many paragraphs support the idea that Piggy is not a hero. There are several paragraphs that focus on his ineffectiveness as a leader, or his follower mentality, or inability to stand up for himself, etc. Every fiber of my being resists saying to rewrite the thesis to fit the body, but at this point it might be the easier solution.
Don't use first person in a formal literature response like this. Get rid of any "I," "we," and/or "us" that is used.
There are some very long run on sentences in the paper. For example:
"From the start of the novel Golding describes Piggy as "the fat boy," this is referring to his physical appearance and this adjective indicates and highlights the undesirable trait of obesity, which makes him different, therefore unacceptable in society as he stands out."
Try this instead: "From the start of the novel, Golding highlights Piggy's undesirable trait of obesity by referring to him as 'the fat boy.' The use of that adjective singles Piggy out as different, which singles him out as an unacceptable member of society." A good way to self check for run on sentences is to read the paper out loud to yourself. It feels foolish, but it catches a lot of mistakes.
The last general bit of feedback I have is that the piece needs a concluding paragraph. The concluding paragraph is the final chance for you, the writer, to really drive home your point. It needs to reacquaint the reader with the thesis statement, summarize the support given to it, and push your reader into caring why your point matters.