Help me understand what's wrong with my essay, please. Thesis Statement: When a person feels they are in a position of power they display no mercy. Here is a paragraph from my essay: Throughout...

Help me understand what's wrong with my essay, please.

Thesis Statement: When a person feels they are in a position of power they display no mercy.

Here is a paragraph from my essay:

Throughout the play Shylock exhibits no mercy towards Antonio through his actions and words. When creating a loan between Shylock and Antonio, Shylock knows he has Antonio under his control and displays no compassion to him, "Well then, it now appears you need my help.[then Shylock says what he will do] This kindness will I show. Go with me to a notary, seal me there Your single bond; and, in a mercy sport, If you repay me not on such a day, In such a place,such sum or sums as are express'd in the condition, let the forfeit be nominated for an equal pound of your fair flesh," Shylock is put in control over Antonio and shows no pity toward him by making him sign a loan that can make him lost his life. Once the loan between Shylock and Antonio cannot be paid back by Antonio, Shylock rules over Antonia again and says he will give no compassion to him, " There come diver of Antonio's Creditors in my company in Venice, that sear he cannot choose but break" "I am very glad of it: I'll plague him: I'll torture him: I am glad of it," (Act 3:Scene 1: 108-109). Shylock once put in a position of power is ruthless and gives no mercy to Antonio

I scored 74% not bad, but I know I can do better. The comments said I have to explain the significance of the proof and relate back to the thesis statement. I asked my teacher what that meant, she said "ask yourself the so what question? When you give me that proof or quote ask so what?"  I don't understand what she means.

 

 

 

 

4 Answers | Add Yours

ask996's profile pic

ask996 | High School Teacher | (Level 1) Senior Educator

Posted on

I agree that you should go talk to your teacher and find out exactly what she is trying to tell you. That being said, most of the paragraph you posted is a summary of the material. Her so what comment could be directed at her desire for you to actually tell us how the showing of no mercy is significant in its effects on the play and the characters. You've shown very little of your own opinion or interpretation of the material. (In this paragraph at least.)

booksnmore's profile pic

booksnmore | College Teacher | (Level 3) Adjunct Educator

Posted on

First, I strongly suggest that you go back to your teacher and tell her that you don't understand what she means. She is there to help you and since it's her assignment/feedback that is unclear to you, she is really the only one who can answer this question with certainty.  Are you able to rewrite this essay and turn it in again?

When she says that you have to explain "significance of the proof" I assume that she wants you to more thoroughly explain how each of your points relate back to your thesis statement and weigh what importance each of them hold when looking at the play as a whole. When she says to ask yourself the "so what" question I think she's saying "how important is the example you're giving?" Or "what (if any) importance does that example have when looking at the entire play?" Or perhaps even, "Are there examples from the play that would be stronger in supporting your thesis?"

But again, I think you need to go talk to her. Tell her exactly what you posted here. Or take her a copy of your post. ;)

 

 

frizzyperm's profile pic

frizzyperm | College Teacher | (Level 1) Educator

Posted on

Your teacher is saying that you found the relevant quotes but you did not dissect them. You did not explain in any detail why you thought they were significant to the question.

andreweberhard's profile pic

andreweberhard | Student, Grade 10 | eNotes Newbie

Posted on

Here is a little more info.

I wrote probably about my 3rd essay ever a couple of weeks ago and I just got it back today. I scored 74% not bad, but I know I can do better. The comments said I have to explain the significance of the proof and relate back to the thesis statement. I asked my teacher what that meant, she said "ask yourself the so what question? When you give me that proof or quote ask so what?" Here is a paragraph from my essay.


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